I AM STUCK!!

I Am Stuck

We previously talked about staying in relationships where trust was broken (click here for blog on ‘Loss of Trust’). When we are in a relationship that is unsafe, why do we stay?

What is unsafe? Any relationship in which we lose our identity (Click here for blog on “I vs We”.) or lose trust in the other person is an unsafe relationship.  The purpose of a loving relationship is to provide a safe place for our partner to grow and experience their journey. Obviously, the relationship will work better if our partner provides the same safety to us as we do for them. If I have to conform to someone’s demands, and I lose my identity, then that relationship is no longer safe for my journey.

But why do I stay? The old adage is “The devil I know is better than the devil I don’t know”. There is a fear about leaving the security of a relationship, because we have no idea what will happen outside of the world we have formed. So even if the known world is unsafe, it is better than what we may find. Or we may stay because of religious or social dictates. Once again, the pain of others disapproval is too hard to bear, so we stay in a unsafe place to avoid it.

Whatever the reason, it is important to remind ourselves that we are never stuck in a relationship, it is simply our choice to stay where we feel best, even if best is not safe. We are never stuck; we are never victims; we just make choices.

What are your thoughts? Email us at JTTwerell@jttwerell.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower” Box. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email.

The Loss of Trust

The Loss of Trust





Email from reader: “This new years will mark one year since my husband cheated on me. We have stayed together, but I still don’t trust him. He says I never will, and maybe that is true. How do you rebuild trust?”



Two ingredients in rebuilding trust:

1. It takes time

2. It takes desire

How much time it takes depends on how deep the desire on both parties to truly rebuild. When trust is lost the first question to ask yourself is “Do I really want to continue with this person who broke trust with me?” If no, then leave. If yes, then be aware of every thought that would lead you to a place of feeling hurt or wronged by your partner. If a choice is made to stay, then that is a decision to move on and not focus on the past. If I continue to feel sorry for myself about what happened, then I have not made a choice to stay with this person, I have decided to become a victim.(Click here for our blog on Choices and Victim)

“Poor me, he hurt me so, I just don’t know if I can forgive him.” Or “That was a difficult place in our relationship, but I chose to be with this person and believe they will not break trust again.” Two approaches to the same problem.

The obvious question is “But what if they do it again?” The answer to that is, how much do you respect yourself. If you continue to choose to say in an unsafe relationship, then you will most likely find it difficult. But you are staying because the choice to leave is even more difficult. Your partner is now predictably unsafe, and you are predictably so enmeshed in this dysfunctional relationship that your journey has been lost.

Next time we will focus on some reasons why a person stays in a painful unsafe relationship. Let us know your thoughts at JTTwerell@JTTwerell.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower” Box. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email.

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The Masculine/Feminine Roles

In her blog ROLES IN RELATIONSHIP, Dr. Jan stated things would be easier if we could have a clear definition of the masculine and feminine roles in relationships. The interesting thing about that type of definintion is the fact that the roles of masculine and feminine are actually part of each individual even apart from a relationship.

One of our favorite authors is Robert Johnson http://www.harpercollins.com/authors/4971/Robert_A_Johnson/index.aspx who penned several books dealing with the interaction of the masculine and feminine aspect of individuals. He has developed the concept that the masculine, also known as the Animus, is the part of each person that is the warrior/conqueror. It is that part of each of us that drives us toward greater achievement and accomplishment. It is also the aggressive part of our makeup that can be destructive if not consciously guarded.

The feminine side is called the Anima, and is the aspect of each individual that reflects compassion, nurturing, healing, and the gentleness of living. In each person, the goal would be to have the Anima and Animus work in harmony allowing a power of accomplishment to be balanced with a harmony of compassion. In most cultures the woman reflects the feminine side while the man reflects the masculine part of our emotional makeup. However, if the individual is not in touch with the opposite side of their emotional universe, then they are out of balance.

A male, who is not utilizing his feminine side, will be seen as aggressive and uncaring with a detached and non-nurturing persona. A woman who is not in touch with her masculine side will appear as soft, weak, and dependent. Obviously, the goal in the individual journey is to bring these two sides into harmony. Further, in the relationship of male and female, it is also necessary to bring these sides into balance if there is to be harmony and true love.

 Over the last centuries, the dominant male and supportive female has been a fairly normal interaction. However, in modern relationships, the masculine and feminine are not compartmentalized into defined roles and now the individuals in relationship need to find a balance in masculine and feminine not only in their individual walk, but also in the evolving romantic relationship with each other. No longer are the defined roles of masculine and feminine allocated to male and female, but now each individual is learning to embrace both their individual “anima and animus’ in order to live in harmony with each other.   We will look into this next time with some actual case studies we encountered. Dr.T