Sex – Love or Lust? Part 2

Sex – Love or lust?  part 2

Some very interesting thoughts have been shared since we posted part.1 of Sex – Love or lust (sex-lust-or-love). I appreciate the emails replies, but we do wish more people would comment on the blog page so others can also see your comments and hopefully share theirs also. Several people found the idea of "controlled vulnerability" to be a good explanation of pornography use. Several asked how to break away from this type of sexual activity, and we assure you that we will discuss the area of addiction in relationship in the future. For now, the best first step is to destroy the illusion of control and vulnerability. The control is only in the mind as pornography is only a fantasy of our ego. Vulnerability is also just an illusion, unless you are willing to express to everyone just how you watch and enjoy pornography. Make an agreement with your significant other that every time you use pornography, you will tell them. It does make vulnerability more realistic in this type of arraignment. As we said, we will deal with this in detail at a later date.
In part one we provided four questions to ponder in regard to our sexual journey:

1. What are my expectations concerning sex?
2. What fear does sex bring to me?
3. How do I see myself with sex, vulnerable or controlling?
4. What if my partner never wanted to have sex?

Let's look at the first question; what are my expectations concerning sex? In our experience, the range of expectation will run from a Nirvana experience to one of judgment and failure for having sex. A large part of our expectations is couched in the religious and social precepts we acquired as children.

On the one side, Nirvana, we find the ultimate desire to escape reality and be consumed with total pleasure. It is normal in our Western society to seek a place of ecstasy or Nirvana through outside experience, possibly even touch it for a moment, but then, on a deeper level, remain unfulfilled. In healthy sexual relationships, partners transform sexuality from the plane of doing to the place of being. Sex becomes a place without goals as it is only a celebration of the present moment where we revere our partner and transform the act of sex into a sacrament of love.

With our clients we use the concept of the Ladder of Intimacy. In a typical relationship, the ladder is leaning against a wall and each rung is a level of intimate expression. The first run may be intimacy of eye contact with a partner. Rung two is intimacy of verbal contact. Rung three is intimacy of first physical contact such as hand touch or a hug. Rung four is intimacy reflecting a level of expressed contact, such as kiss or long embrace. Rung five is preliminary sexual contact such as fondling or shared nudity. Rung six is total nudity leading to rung seven which is intercourse. In our society, the ladder is generally seen (especially from males) as a place to reach the top rung as soon as possible.

 In healthy sexual relationships, each rung is a place of sexual intimacy that is complete in and of itself. Try it with your partner. When separated by space, look at each other and share that visual intimacy that says," I am one with you". Try it with each area of the ladder. We will deal with the other side of expectation next time, but for now, celebrate the beauty of being intimate and vulnerable. Put the ladder on the ground and visit each rung.

Share some of your thoughts on this subject. As therapist, we find that sex is one of the biggest problems in relationships, so we are certain many of you have thoughts and questions.What are your thoughts? Email us at JTTwerell@jttwerell.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help.


Also note the new blog about I AM ADAM . Free Book and weekly discussion. Click here for more information

SEX – lust or love?

Sex - Lust or Love

We have to deal with sex if we are going to talk about relationships and romance. It is interesting that something as simple a biological process as sex can become a subject providing such diverse prospective. In animals, sex is simply an unconscious desire to reproduce. In humans, this is also part of sex, but there is obviously more to the definition than simple reproduction.
From a psychological perspective, sex is the highest level of vulnerability within our evaluative makeup. The act of sexual relationship places two individuals in very vulnerable positions with potentially negative evaluations. We keep our sexual organs buried beneath cover to be sure that we are not judged about our ultimate statement of masculineity and femininity, then suddenly, in one moment, we expose this vulnerable place to another person. That is very scary.
One of the reasons that pornography and other fantasy sexual expressions are so popular is the lack of vulnerability they provide. A person can have a sense of sexual vulnerability, but maintain full control of the environment, thus limiting the potential of pain and rejection. It is not the pornography that is the problem; it is the addictive tendency we all have to go to a place of pleasure with seeminly no potential risk.
So what are people in relationship supposed to do with sex? We could make a flippant statement and just say "enjoy it", but that is not only too general, it is too dangerous. Our social and moral societies have certain norms and expectations as to what is acceptable. Obviously these rules are evolving and what was norm 30 years ago is very different today. But we didn't invent sexual activity as a modern society. Read about the Greco/Roman concepts and you'll see we still have a lot of latitude to go before we proclaim we are a sexual society.
As we explore this topic of sex, consider these things and jot down some notes for your own use:
1. What are my expectations concerning sex?
2. What fear does sex bring to me?
3. How do I see myself with sex, vulnerable or controlling?
4. What if my partner never wanted to have sex?

Share some of your thoughts on this subject. As therapist, we find that sex is one of the biggest problems in relationships, so we are certain many of you have thoughts and questions.What are your thoughts? Email us at JTTwerell@jttwerell.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help.


Also note the new blog about I AM ADAM . Free Book and weekly discussion. Click here for more information

I AM A GREAT CUPCAKE

I am a Great Cupcake


In our work, we often find relationships fail because the individuals have expectations that outstrip reality. A loving relationship is a place we go to for safety and security, but it is not there to make us better individuals. We often tell our clients that they are, individually, the best cupcake that God ever created. They are perfect, wonderful, exciting, and complete just as they are, because they were made that way. If someone wants to put frosting on them, that is a nice addition, but it doesn’t change the fact that they are perfect just as they are. If we think we need to have another person in our life so we can be whole, then we are missing the beauty of who we are as an individual. People who see themselves as lacking will attract others who feel the same way. It is the simple law of sowing and reaping. If I sow out that I am a broken or lacking person, I will harvest back the same thing. But whole and happy people attract back other whole and happy people.

In reality, all of us have areas that are not “perfect”; it is just part of life. Nevertheless, if we have areas that are “less than” then we also have areas that are “more than”. The question is, which one do I focus on as my primary identity. If I focus on my “less than”, then I will be looking for someone to fix me. But if I focus on my “more than” then I will attract others who have strengths that they feel good about also.

From our experience, when two positive energy forces meet, they seem to automatically balance each other in strength and weakness, without really trying.

Why? Because they are not focused on their weakness, they are operating in their strength, and that will always provide a healthy journey.

One of our clients is a very brilliant lawyer, but couldn’t seem to attract the “right” relationships. Our client, due to a rather difficult childhood, had grown up with a strong sense of her “less than” side. Even though she was successful, she saw herself as broken, and thus attracted other broken relationships. Over a period of time, she was able to change her self-evaluation to one of “achiever” instead of “failure”. This transformation completely refocused her life perspective, and she began to attract others (both male and female) who were confident and whole people. She is now happily married and has a very positive relationship with her husband and many friends.

She sees herself as the best cupcake every created by God. The frosting is great, but it is not essential for her life.

How do you see your cupcake?

What are your thoughts? Email us at JTTwerell@jttwerell.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower” Box. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if w4e can help.