Friday, January 15, 2016

Sex and relationships Part 3

Sex and relationships. part 3



We have been exploring the aspect of sex in relationships. Our last blog (Sex and relationships 2) dealt with individual expectations concerning sex. We appreciated all the email comments and were touched by many of your responses concerning the Ladder of Intimacy. This concept obviously was a hit and we enjoyed your thoughts. Please share your comments here on the blog if you can, as it would be helpful for others to also read them.

This time we deal with the second question about sex and that is “What fear does sex bring to me?” Most communications about sex don’t openly deal with fear, probably because we are afraid to talk about our fears. However, as we said in the first blog,  (part 1) sex is the highest level of vulnerability we can experience, and thus it brings on a high level of fear if not approached correctly. What are the main fears?:

1. I am inadequate or not acceptable. In the process of having a sexual relationship, it is necessary to feel safe and connected. If we rush into sex, or don’t feel safe in our sexual experience, we may experience deep wounds that will impact not only the relationship we are in, but also future relationships. This is the main reason to progress in sexual relationship on a slow and careful process, not out of some religious or social demand, but out of a respect for our partner and our selves.

2. Fear that I am bad or doing something wrong. – This is a difficult fear, as so much of our value system seems to revolve around sex. In our western society, especially in our major religions, sex is seen as a problem area from which humans must protect themselves or parish in some sinful punishment. In a relationship, if two people have evolved far enough to feel comfortable and safe, then sex is a natural progression. (We're sure there will be many comments about that thought.) Most of our clients are from a Judeo/Christian background, and our thirty years of therapy experience demonstrates about 95% of the couples who enter into marriage are not virgins. If a person was sexually active prior to marriage and has been told this was bad, they have now established a negative groundwork for future sexual experience, This produces the fear that they not only have done something wrong, but they are something bad for doing it. Each individual must decide how to live their life according to their own religious and moral preference. If they prefer to remain abstinent, but end up not following this desire, this does not change their worth or value, it simply changes their preference. They may be disappointed they departed from their preference, but they are still good people, no matter what the action may have been. Needless to say, in our society, unless we know the health status or sexual history of either partner, do not make love without using a condom or other reliable barrier contraceptive, unless you are absolutely sure it is safe. The beauty of a sexual experience without fear begins with trust. Abstinence until the relationship is secure is an obvious way to build trust.

These two fears are the core of most sexual anxiety. But what about some positive thoughts. Lovemaking between a man and a woman, when entered into with awareness, is a gateway to both sexual and spiritual ecstasy. The key is awareness. 


In the New York Museum of art, there is a painting by Picasso entitle “Woman in White”. When first viewing the painting, it expresses a gentleness and beauty which is very soothing. However, if enough time is spent with the painting, there is a tremendous power of peace that literally flows from the painting into the viewer’s heart. Sex is like the painting. It is not about intercourse, it is about the experience of enjoying the beauty and joy of creation. Next time you and your partner are in a sexual place, stop and enjoy the beauty of being together. Climb the ladder slowly and enjoy every aspect of sight and touch in a loving, respectful and nonsexual way. This is the beauty of sex without fear.

Share some of your thoughts on this subject. As therapist, we find that sex is one of the biggest problems in relationships, so we are certain many of you have thoughts and questions.What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerellell. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Sex and relationships. Part 2



Sex and relationships.  Part 2

Some very interesting thoughts have been shared since we posted Part 1 of Sex and relationships (sex and relationships). We appreciate the emails replies, but we do wish more people would comment on the blog page so others can also see your comments and hopefully share theirs also. 

Several people found the idea of "controlled vulnerability" to be a good explanation concerning the use of pornography. Several asked how to break away from this type of sexual activity, and we assure you we will discuss the area of addiction in relationship in the future. For now, the best first step is to destroy the illusion of control and vulnerability. The control is only in the mind as pornography is only a fantasy of our ego. Vulnerability is also just an illusion, unless you are willing to express to everyone just how you watch and enjoy pornography. Make an agreement with your significant other that every time you use pornography, you will tell them. It does make vulnerability more realistic in this type of agreement. As we said, we will deal with this in detail at a later date.

In part one we provided four questions to ponder in regard to our sexual journey:
1. What are my expectations concerning sex?
2. What fear does sex bring to me?
3. How do I see myself with sex, vulnerable or controlling?
4. What if my partner never wanted to have sex?


Let's look at the first question; what are my expectations concerning sex? In our experience, the range of expectation will run from a Nirvana experience to one of judgment and failure for having sex. A large part of our expectations is couched in the religious and social precepts we acquired as children.

On the one side, Nirvana, we find the ultimate desire is to escape reality and be consumed with total pleasure. It is normal in our Western society to seek a place of ecstasy or Nirvana through outside experience, possibly even touch it for a moment, but then, on a deeper level, we will continue to remain unfulfilled. In healthy sexual relationships, partners transform sexuality from the plane of doing to the place of being. Sex becomes a place without goals as it is only a celebration of the present moment where we revere our partner and transform the act of sex into a sacrament of love.


With our clients we use the concept of the Ladder of Intimacy
In a typical relationship, the ladder is leaning against a wall and each rung is a level of intimate expression. The first rung may be intimacy of eye contact with a partner. Rung two is intimacy of verbal contact. Rung three is intimacy of first physical contact such as hand touch or a hug. Rung four is intimacy reflecting a level of expressed contact, such as kiss or long embrace. Rung five is preliminary sexual contact such as fondling or shared nudity. Rung six is total nudity leading to rung seven which is intercourse. In our society, the ladder is generally seen (especially from males) as a place to reach the top rung as soon as possible.

 In healthy sexual relationships we take the ladder off the wall and lay it flat on the ground. In this position each rung is a place of sexual intimacy complete in and of itself. Try it with your partner. When your in a crowded space, look at each other and share a visual intimacy that says," I am one with you". This visual contact is as intimate as a physical moment and is shared only by the two of you.  Use the rung of touch to express deep intimacy by just holding your partner's hand and feeling deep love and intimacy. Try it with each area of the ladder. If we can grow in intimacy in the lower rungs, then the higher will be a safer and more beautiful place to visit. 

We will deal with the judgement side of expectation next time, but for now, celebrate the beauty of being intimate and vulnerable. Put the ladder on the ground and visit each rung.

Share some of your thoughts on this subject. As therapist, we find that sex is one of the biggest problems in relationships, so we are certain many of you have thoughts and questions.What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Sex and relationships Part 1


Sex and relationships
If we are going to talk about relationships and romance, we have to deal with sex.  It is interesting that something as simple as a biological process can become a subject providing such diverse prospective. In animals, sex is simply an unconscious desire to reproduce. In humans, this is also part of sex, but there is obviously more to the definition than simple reproduction.

From a psychological perspective, sex is the highest level of vulnerability within our evaluative makeup. The act of sexual relationship places two individuals in very vulnerable positions with potentially negative evaluations. We keep our sexual organs buried beneath cover to be sure we are not judged about our ultimate statement of masculinity and femininity, then suddenly, in one moment, we expose this vulnerable place to another person. This can be very scary.

One of the reasons pornography and other fantasy sexual expressions are so popular is the illusion of protection they provide regarding vulnerability. In these illusions, a person can have a sense of sexual vulnerability, but maintain full control of the environment, thus limiting the potential of pain and rejection. Pornography is not the main problem in this struggle; it is the addictive tendency we all have, which takes us to a place of pleasure with seemingly no potential risk.

So what are people in relationships supposed to do with sex? We could make a flippant statement and simply say "enjoy it", but this is not only too general, it is too dangerous. Our social and moral societies have certain norms and expectations regarding what is acceptable. Obviously these rules are evolving and what was norm thirty years ago is very different today. However, we didn't invent sexual activity as a modern society. Read about the Greco/Roman concepts and you will see we still have a lot of latitude to go before we proclaim we are a sexual society.

As we explore this topic of sex, consider these things and jot down some notes for your own use:
1. What are my expectations concerning sex?
2. What fear does sex bring to me?
3. How do I see myself with sex; vulnerable or controlling?
4. What if my partner never wanted to have sex?

Share some of your thoughts on this subject. As therapist, we find sex is one of the biggest problems in relationships, so we are certain many of you have thoughts and questions. What are your thoughts? Share your comment below. We will continue this study in Part 2.

If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. We send special email to followers and will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help: NYCCC1@aol.com


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