Monday, October 27, 2014

1 in 10,000,000


ONE IN TEN MILLION

In New York City, I am told that there are 10,000,000 people who live in a twenty-five mile radius of the Empire State Building. That’s a lot of people!

In my life, my wife is one person I have chosen to love. That is a very small number. But if I look at it another way, out of 10,000,000 people, there is only one relationship I really need to treat with love. That means 9,999,999 people I really don’t have treat as special people (and in New York City that seems to be rather normal) but there is only one person who is so important that I will treat her differently than anyone else in the world. It doesn’t seem such a hard task when you think of it. Treat one person special out of the millions of others.

But why do we often treat the 9,999,999 other people better than we treat the one? Because of our EGO. Someplace we make a decision to be vulnerable to this one person, and chances are, this one person will mess up someplace and disappoint us. My EGO will then start to “get even” with this one person and treat them less than nice. In time, both of our EGO’s will define the relationship and 9,999,999 people will get a better deal than the one who counts.

Are you in a relationship where you are treating the one person better than the 9,999,999? If not; why not? As for me…..while I appreciate the 9,999,999 other people….. I love the one.


What are your thoughts? Email us at NYCCC1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower” Box. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. For more information on our counseling center go to www.nyccc.org

Monday, July 7, 2014

Bond, James Bond

Bond, James Bond

A reader wrote the following:

I read your information on the “mother/son” impact and I can identify with it greatly. My mother was a very strong person, who I greatly admire, but also deeply resent. My father died when I was young and she never remarried. I feel like I grew into my adult years when I was about five. Unfortunately, I never developed confidence in my own identity, and thus have had a difficult time in relationships. To be honest, I did think I was gay for a few years, but gave up on that as something that really doesn’t interest me. I just see myself as weak and not a real man. Am I stuck in this or is there something I can do?

WMS

We replied;

Obviously, the strong mother left you in a place of needing nurturing and you will look to relationships to provide that level of healing. Unfortunately, the nurturing has to begin with you before you can look to others. See our blog on I am a GREAT CUPCAKE.  Therapy would greatly help, but for a short term exercise try the following:

   1. Make a list of all the things that you don’t like about yourself.  Draw a line down the paper and in the second column write the exact opposite of the negative you feel. Both exist , you are simply focusing on the negative and not the positive; If there is a left, there is a right. If there is an up there is a down. It is just a fact of life. When you think negative, remember the positive is also there.

   2. Think of someone who you greatly admire as a strong male figure. One of our clients thought about being James Bond. Draw into this person and think about how they would handle situations. Our client would spend a few seconds thinking to himself, “Bond, I am James Bond” and then would enter the situation with that feeling. It is role-play, and is designed to build short term distraction from your fears and sense of inadequacy. Ultimately you have to be you, but what the heck, you can always enjoy your Bond Moments – You Only Live Twice!!!!

What are your thoughts? How do you handle the struggles of life? Email us click here or place a comment below. Join us as a follower in the box to the right, and we will automatically send you each new post. Thanks for all your replies and thoughts. 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Finding Someone

One of the repeating problems we encounter with single clients is the inability to find other "eligible" single people. Our main office is in New York City, which has a population of around ten million people, and yet is one of the most socially isolated places in the world. Most of the people in the city live in apartments where they may not even know who lives on the floor with them. The general routeen is to enter our apartment, lock three locks, and then stay there until absolutely necessary to go out. This type of activity does make it hard to find people to date.

Our general recommendation for this problem is to determine what passions exist in the individual client's life. Is it art, religion, education, sports, etc.? Once that is determined, then begin to pursue that passion. If a person has a real passion for art; go take a class in art. If you love music; find a class in music appreciation or check in with a local school to see what music courses are offered. Obviously, if religion or spiritual passions exist, find a church or synagog to attend.

In this process two things are accomplished:

  1.  The individual is pursuing their passion which provides a more positive outlook on life.
  2.  The individual is now in contact with people who have similar passion, a good place to find someone who may be "dateable". 

This approach is healthier and more effective than "Bar hopping" or "Clubbing". Generally the atmosphere in the bars and clubs is fun, but not really conducive to building long term lasting relationships. Internet dating has some advantages and disadvantages, which we will discuss in our next blog.

Case study was Jane, a 32 year old attorney, single, and not happy. She loved to travel and had a passion for photography. Jane had played the bar scene and was burned out with the problems it presented. She followed our advise and enrolled in a class for computer editing of photography. There she met a man who shared the same interest, developed a relationship with him, and is now married to him. Obviously, not all the cases work this well, but the success rate with this approach is rather impressive.

Let us know your thoughts in the comment section or email us at JTTwerell@JTTwerell.com. We appreciate all who join in as followers and ask that you consider joining us if you haven't already done so.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Victim no more!!


Choices Or Victim?
        Almost daily, as therapist, we both deal with clients who have a common problem. They are in love with being a victim. This is not only a crippling position for relationships, but it is the epitome of a life that is stuck and sinking rapidly. 

What is a victim? The easiest understanding of victim thinking is this: Who or what do you blame for the circumstances in your life? A victim will find outside people, places, or events to blame for their current problems or life trouble. A healthy, non-victim will realize that all life is simply a series of choices and our place in our life today is a result of choices we made yesterday

     
A client presented a problem to us concerning a relationship she was having with a man she was dating for some time. She believed the problem was his request for her to spend more time with his family as they were a very important part of his life.  She was an only child in a tremendously dysfunctional family, and had no desire to be involved in his “family” functions. This dilemma had been going on for months and was beginning to take a toll on the relationship. She felt he was being way too dogmatic and was ruining her life and their future. 

The victim thinking she presented was simply “He is wrong and is destroying my life.” Our position was, “you have made a choice to be with this man even though he clearly told you he wanted a close relationship with his family. It is your choice to stay with him and he is not ruining your life. Your choice is simply not one that fits into your expectations.

 As always, when we confront a victim with a sense of reality, the client has a tendency to dislike our input, and often responds with anger.  Most victim thinkers will respond with anger if they are made to be accountable for their own lives.   What is your thinking about your current (or past ) relationship? Are you blaming your partner for your discomfort, or do you take responsibility for your choices?

  Examples:

1. He doesn’t seem to care about what I want. He makes me so angry. 
2. She is so demanding. No matter what I do it is not good enough. She make me unhappy.,
3, He is a slob and never picks up after himself. He drives me crazy.

Why are these victim thoughts – because no person can make us feel or act in ways that are negative unless we allow them to do it.  If the person is doing something I don’t like, then I have a choice. If I stay in the relationship, then I better just get used to the thing I don’t like. If I really can’t stand it, then make a choice to get out of the relationship, but don’t blame them for your emotions. It is simply your choice. The choices we made yesterday provide the life we experience today. 

Let us know what you think about this, but don’t get angry, that is how a victim would react, and you don’t want to be a victim.   Dr. Jan and Dr. T                                     

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Significant, Respected, and Prioritized, 3 Foundations of Relationships

  Significant, Respected, Priority  

                                                                                        
 What are the ingredients for a good relationship?    As we discussed in our blog “Equality”, a partnership in relationship or romance must operate on the assumption that I am not better nor worse than the other person. I am simply an equal. I am equally wonderful and equally screwy as the person I care for. If they act poorly in circumstances, well, so do I. Without a sense of equality, there will be conflict containing a lot of blame and shame.  

What ingredients do I need to pour into this relationship to positively help it to grow?   In my experience, three areas are necessary for a good relationship .  
1. I feel I am Significant to my partner, 
2. I feel I am respected by my partner, 
 3. I feel I am a priority to my partner.

If I have a sense that these three areas are working in my relationship, then I feel safe and I can be vulnerable.  Think about your current or past relationship.  Do you (or did you) feel you are a priority to your significant other?   Do they respect you and do they respond to you so you feel you are a priority?   If you can answer yes to all three, you probably have a very compatible and safe relationship. If you don’t have these positive ingredients, then you most likely have left that relationship, or if you are still in it, it is probably not the safest place for your emotional stability.  
                                                                                                                                                       
 So how do I establish a relationship that reflects these ingredients?  Simple, make a conscious choice to make my partner feel significant, respected, and a priority.   The core understanding to any significant relationship is this , “the only person I have control over in the relationship is myself”.   I may desire my significant other to be different, but I cannot force them to change or line up with my expectations. Likewise, I cannot expect them to provide me a sense of respect, significance, or prioritization. However, I do have the ability to provide these core ingredients for them. If both parties are working to consciously provide respect, significance and prioritization to the other partner, then we will have harmonious relationship. If I am working to provide this for my partner, but they are not reciprocating, then I have to make a choice if I want to be in the relationship (see our blog on Choices).  In a relationship that does not reflect a mutuality of respect, significance and priority, there will be an atmosphere of conflict in which both parties try to win an argument in order to establish their place of significance, respect , or priority

 Think about this, do you have a lot of arguments but most of the time you can’t remember what you were arguing about during the conflict?   If so, then there is a very strong chance one or both of the parties in the relationship is feeling disrespected, insignificant, or non-prioritized. If that is the case, remember, the only person you can change in the relationship is ……… you!   Share your thoughts or become a follower to the blog so we can send other information directly.  If this helps you, tell others. If it doesn’t  or if you have other topics you want to discuss, tell us.  Email is nyccc1@aol.com  Dr. T and Dr. Jan.  

Monday, March 24, 2014

RELATIONSHIPS AND HONESTY


Please – be honest


The quality of a relationship is always based on the honesty of the individuals involved. Honesty is a rather large brush stroke, so let’s break it down into some smaller concepts.

1. Honesty in expressing what I am thinking. This is often more difficult for men than women, as men generally love to bypass digging too deep into what they are feeling. However, if I am not expressing what I really feel, then I am operating out of fear. If I tell you what you want to hear so you won’t be upset, then I am afraid of your being upset. It is hard to be happy when I live in fear.

2. Honesty in not trying to make you be another me. This honesty is the drive of many unhealthy relationships and it reflects the thought: “If he/she would just do it my way things would be okay”. That is the ego intensive concept that “I know what is best for both me and you”. A relationship with that thinking as a foundation simply says, “I don’t love you, I just love it when you are like me”. This thinking reflects a strong need to control because I am in charge.

3. Honesty is not making you my dirty mirror. The “dirty mirror” syndrome is when we have characteristics we don’t like about ourselves, but refuse to deal with them constructively. We then find the similar trait in another and project our judgment and anger on them. If I am constantly angry because my partner is lazy, it is a good idea to check and see if I also hate the fact that I am lazy, even though I never admit that I am. Strong judgmental opinions about others, especially those close to us, are generally a projection of our own flaws.

Honesty is often a difficult journey because our society takes such pride in subordinating truth. Our advertisements are always slanted, we don’t really trust our leaders, we pretend that everything is great in our lives so others will admire us, we teach our children to be untruthful in many ways and in many lives, we don’t even trust a spiritual presence as being something that loves us. How do we change this? Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself, who am I?…..Please be honest in your answer. If you have an honest relationship with yourself, you will have more honest relationships with others.

Do you have thoughts on relationships and romance? Please share them with us and with each other by filling out the comments section below.

What are your thoughts? Email us at NYCCC1@AOL.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on our WEBSITE www.nyccc.org. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help.


Monday, March 17, 2014

Equality in Relationships ... a foundation for success

     
      In our blog, The First Romance Story,  we reviewed the aspect of equality being the core of contemporary relationships. Just what is equality in relationship and how does it work?  Obviously, equality is a belief I am not better nor worse than my significant other.  It is a place of harmony. In modern relationships, I find there is much lip service given to “equality”, but there is not a heartfelt desire to see our partner as an equal.


Generally, equality is extended as long as the other person does what I want, but if they don’t fit into my pattern of understanding they are no longer my equal, they are my enemy.  I will love you forever, as long as you don’t leave the cap off the tooth paste, don’t track in muddy shoes, don’t lie to me, don’t provide less than I am entitled in life. If you don’t live up to my demands and expectations, then you are a terrible person who I must either attack or retreat from for my own protection.


I often hear couples say, “My partner just seemed to change after we got married. I don’t know what happened.” The simple answer is they both lost their ability to see each other as equals.  As equals, we are mutually loving and mutually screwy, and that is just who we are! So how do we maintain equality in relationships? Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA). If we really can accept ourselves unconditionally, love ourselves even with our crazy ways of living, and be at peace with our own illogical thinking and behavior, then we can obviously feel the same way about others. However, if we don’t like ourselves, then how much of a chance does our partner stand? USA – Unconditional Self Acceptance. How unique would that be in relationships? If I love “I” then I will love “we”. This will be expanded in our next blog.   Dr. T.

Monday, March 3, 2014

THE SHADOW AND PAST PUNISHMENT - PART 5 OF SERIES



In this series we are examining the dark side of our emotional state which we call the shadow. In the first article, THE SHADOW, we explored what shadow is and how it impacts our lives. The reoccurring theme we want to examine is the fact that their has never been enough shadow produced that could extinguish light. However, one small light can drive back darkness. So it is with our darkest Shadow Thoughts. If left alone in the shadows, they will continue to grow in darkness. However, when exposed to light, the darkness will become faint. What is light? Light is the positive in the midst of the negative. Light is the hope in the midst of the hopeless. Light is the abundance in the midst of lack.

One of the dark shadows found in our thinking is the memory of past punishment and the fear it brings to our current circumstances. If a child is exposed to sexual trauma they may grow to an adult who is afraid of sexual contact because of past pain. The shadow will keep them locked up because the fear of the pain is greater than the thought of pleasure (if there is even a thought of pleasure). 
A very emotionally detached family may leave us feeling unloved. We may learn to perform for love and approval in the hope of feeling good. However, our fear will always be that we are not good enough and we will often play roles to win love and approval. These roles may preclude being who we really are and obtaining what we truly want for our lives.

What fears drive us today? What behaviors do we perform when we really don’t want to do them, but we think someone wants them and we need their approval? What do we refrain from because of fear of pain, a fear that is grounded in a past shadow and not exposed to the current reality of light. We only have this journey to enjoy, don’t give it to the fears of the past. Write out these fears and think of them in the light of the present moment not the past. 


Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

I Like Me

One of the primary requirements of good relationships is the ability to like yourself.  If we are counting on  someone to create our po...