A Cyber Date - the modern neighborhood bar

When I started dating, one of the hardest problems was calling a possible girl to ask her out. This was mostly in high school as meeting in a local bar or club took over in and after collage. Today one of the more popular meeting places is on the internet using the cyberspace as a local bar.

Watching commercials for internet dating is like watching advertising for the lotto. It sounds so easy and everyone has a chance to win. However, as in everything in life, there are very few shortcuts to successful relationships. Our clients who have used the internet report a mixture of results, which seem to fall into some interesting categories. Let's explore some of the positive and negative aspects of the internet romance:

1. The most positive impact provided by internet dating is the ease of finally meeting someone without having to go out on a blind date. The negative part of this same impact is the ease of making things up about yourself and pretending it is true. We have heard of some real shipwrecks because a person advertised they were something they were not. Some of the dating sites use testing to help out, but you really never know what a person is until your truly spend time together. We suggest our clients set up the first face to face meeting as a lunch date. That way, if things aren't positive in the date, you aren't stuck with a long night of difficult interaction.

2. Another positive aspect of the internet date is the ability to dialog with someone without having to actually enter into the vulnerability of a date. Emails, telephone, text, video, and other modern tools provide a means of exchange allowing us to know a great deal about a person without having  to actually go out with them. The negative part of this is the lack of true emotional understanding the internet provides. If I receive an email that says "I have a hard time understanding you," in all honesty, I will have no idea what this means. It may mean I have a bad connection; I don't speak clearly; you and I are not communicating; or the person is partially deaf. Unless I am given some idea of the emotion behind the words, they really could mean anything.

3.  A third aspect of internet dating that may be seen as positive is the building of understanding, which can take place before the pressure of performing. Every early date is a place of performing for approval. We show our best behavior (hopefully), most charming conversations and best emotions. While all this is good, it does preclude actually getting to know someone until the second or third date. With the internet, information is exchanged and we get to know more about education, goals, dreams, etc. Again, the danger is the person who gives false information. That is why a lunch date is the safest first date. Find out what is really true, and then go forward or go home.

Some tactical guidelines to internet dating:

1. Text with a purpose - don't just fill a page with cute little phrases and non-essential emoji. Be clear in your purpose.

2. You are the person dating, not your phone. Statistically only one in three online dates actually work out, so don't hide behind your phone. Get into tangible groups, activities and other places to meet real people face to face.

3. Don't disappear. If the internet person is not one you're looking for, be honest, don't just drop out of sight. Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.

4.  Be open as to what you are looking for in a partner. A millionaire with a big yacht is wonderful, but not the best perimeter for longterm relationship. What do you really want in a partner? If you are not honest, you will get a lot of strange replies to your vague request. 

Remember, as we said in our blog on Modern Romance (click here), Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA) is key to successful relationships. If you cant love yourself, who can you love.

My book about finding balance in relationships is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)

Modern Romance

                        The term modern romance often conjures up thoughts of hot steamy love affairs with fantasy men and perfect women. While this may be part of the focus for some modern romance, the core to understanding modern romance has to be an understanding of the modern woman.

The sixty’s provided a backdrop for the emergence of the modern woman into a world that was, in many ways, ill prepared for her arrival. While the women’s movement paved a new road, the true modern woman was not defined by or constrained within social\political ideals. Rather, she is simply a woman who walks upon a stage as an equal, and not as a possession. While she still struggles with equality in many segments, her main stress comes not from without but from within. “Now that I can be what I want, who am I”?

Just how does this play out in modern romance and relationships? What is equality in relationship and how does it work?

 

Obviously, equality is a belief I am not better nor worse than my significant other.  It is a place of harmony. In modern relationships, I find there is much lip service given to “equality”, but there is not a heartfelt desire to see our partner as an equal.

Generally, equality is extended as long as the other person does what I want and acts as I require, but if they don’t fit into my pattern of understanding they are no longer my equal, they are my enemy.  

I will love you forever, as long as you don’t leave the cap off the tooth paste, don’t track in muddy shoes, don’t lie to me, don’t provide less than I am entitled to in life. If you don’t live up to my demands and expectations, then you are a terrible person who I must either attack or retreat from for my own protection.

I often hear couples say, “My partner just seemed to change after we got married. I don’t know what happened.” 

The simple answer is both partners lost their ability to see each other as equals.  As equals, we are mutually loving and mutually screwy, and that is just who we are!

So how do we maintain equality in relationships? Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA). If we really can accept ourselves unconditionally, love ourselves even with our crazy ways of living, and be at peace with our own illogical thinking and behavior, then we can obviously feel the same way about others. However, if we don’t like ourselves, then how much of a chance does our partner stand? USA – Unconditional Self Acceptance. How unique would that be in relationships?  

We will explore the complexity of this modern outlook in the next few blogs, but for now simply spend some time thinking about how you view yourself through the eyes of Unconditional Self Acceptance. Feel free to share your thoughts and questions in the comments below. To be a regular part of our blog simply fill in the signup section on the right side of the page.

We developed our counseling practice to accommodate the hectic schedule of our clients by integrating online therapy through the Internet. The following is a example of how this works.

 For more information, click here.