In our language, love is a very difficult word to understand, as its' definition is mercurial depending on the situation. I love ice cream and that's good. I love my dog and that is good too. I love my wife, but I love her more than ice cream and dogs, so now love changes meaning.
The process of being "IN LOVE" is generally motivated by a very self-centered emotion flowing from our ego. When we fall "in love" with someone, it generally comes from the other person providing us enough positive reinforcement so we now feel much better about ourselves. The person laughs at our jokes, listens to our thoughts, compliments us positively and generally provides an atmospheres of acceptance. Because this feels so good, we will return this positive reinforcement to the other person and they will also feel very accepted and good. What we are doing is exchanging ego reinforcement which we call "in love".
Unfortunately, ice cream and dogs can provide the same type of ego reinforcement, but we don't look to make this emotional state a permanent position. I may love my dog, but I will not marry my dog, it is just not that type of love.
When we are simply in an ego centered love relationship, we will work hard to make the other person feel good so they will also work hard to make us feel good and thus we are "in ego" not really "in love." However, when we start falling behind in our effort to make the other person constantly "feel good" we will find ourselves moving out of love, or rather "out of ego".
A long term relationship can not survive by simply being "in love." To make a true love work we have to start moving into a "loving relationship." In this development, we begin to realize the person we are "in love with" has some flaws and this person may be rather difficult to love.
They may be very happy and giving, but they may have an annoying laugh or they may drool when they eat. At this point we make a choice, do I want to be with this person who has flaws, or do I want to go find someone else who can make me feel good and not have flaws. Obviously, someone who makes us feel good and does not have flaws is impossible to find, but large segments of our population are dedicated to this search, no matter how futile it may be.
If we decide this person we are with may have flaws, but their good qualities make it a relationship we want to be part of, then we will begin to develop a "loving relationship" rather than simply being "in love".
How do we keep a loving relationship:
1. Write down the things you like about your partner.
2. Remember these qualities and emphasize them in daily interaction.
3. Write down the things you don't like about your partner.
4. Read them over and then burn the paper.
5. Do not dwell or emphasize the things you don't like in your partner, for this negative focus will not bring positive results in a long tern relationship.
6. Smile, laugh, and tell your partner how much you love them as often as you can. What you sow out you will harvest back. If you sow corn in a field, you can not harvest wheat.
7. When you feel uncomfortable in the relationship because things may be difficult, go back to the list in #1 and do item #2.
If the above seems like a lot of work, then you may want to stick with ice cream and a dog. Life is good, enjoy all of it.
In my book Forever Yours, a couple spends a long marital life together overcoming obstacles by building this loving relationship. Check it out at Amazon (click here)
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