Monday, January 15, 2018

Communication


Over the years, as counselors, we have seen many relationships with one common problem: the inability to communicate. 

Communication with each other is an art of listening rather than debating The old adage is God blessed us with two ears and one mouth for a reason! When we talk more than listen, we are often providing an outlet for our ego to convince the world around us we are right and they are wrong. 



The biggest barrier to good communication is what we call the "finger in the face" approach to sharing opinions. For example, If I say;

"I like football better than Baseball."

and a person replies;

"That is ridiculous. Baseball is a national sport in this country and more people like baseball than stupid football."

The conversation is now over. 

The person who heard my statement has now challenged me and put a finger in my face. I will now try to prove my point and they will try to prove their point and we will cease to communicate as we now become defensive of our position.

We all have opinions on everything and other people will often have different opinions. We don't have to agree, we just need to hear the other persons opinion and respect the differences we share. 

When couples disagree, it is a place of growth rather than a place of conflict. If I like baseball, it is something I have an opinion about and my opinion is simply a perspective I adapted over time. If the other person enjoys football, it is their developed opinion. If we share our differences without trying to change the other persons perspective, then we have a good chance of forming another new opinion or at least growing by having a better understanding of a different opinions. 

We don't have to agree, but it is good to listen to different understandings and then see if we can benefit from this knowledge. If we can't, it is okay, as we can respect our differences and go on with life.

If we use two ears to listen and one mouth to speak, communication will greatly improve.

Any thoughts? Share them with us in the comments section or write us at nyccc1@aol.com. Join the blog by becoming a Follower in the box on the right and we will send you a note every time we have a new post. For more information on our counseling go to NYCCC.ORG

If interested in a faith based approach to counseling see my book Inner Space (click here).


Monday, January 1, 2018

NEW BEGINNINGS


Every new year brings an abundance of thought about new beginnings. We go over the events of the last year and set goals for the new life before us. Generally we don't achieve all our new goals and sometimes we don't accomplish any of them. The key thing in facing the end of a year and the beginning of a new year is the conscious perspective that all life is evolving and whatever took place in the past was a foundation for all our future.


Many people like to think of new beginnings as a place of escaping from old problems. It is a fact that every new beginning means something has to end. Problem is, we often feel the past is so painful that the future is just too hard to visualize. 
Maybe we need to be like the caterpillar. When they believe they have reached the end of life, the butterfly has just found a new beginning. Let's resolve not to look back on what might have been with regret and negativity; rather let's simply look forward to what will be. 

Have a Happy and joy filled New Year. Any thoughts? Share them with us in the comments section or write us at nyccc1@aol.com. Join the blog by becoming a Follower in the box on the right and we will send you a note every time we have a new post. For more information on our counseling go to NYCCC.ORG


If interested in a faith based approach to counseling see my book Inner Space (click here).


Monday, October 30, 2017

CHANGES


It has been a while since our last posting as we have been relocating from New York to Florida. We talked about this move for a few years and finally it all came together. While we loved New York and the journey we shared there, this new stage in our lives is exciting and, given it is almost November, much warmer.

We will continue to provide counseling sessions for those who desire, but for now everything will be done on the internet using video sessions. We have about forty clients who are currently using the internet sessions and all agree it is much easier and more convenient than going to a therapist office. For more information go to our website at www.nyccc.org.

The move has been somewhat stressful yet a fantastic time to truly place emphasis on the positive sides of our marriage and commitment to each other. A healthy relationship must be a conscious place of keeping positive energy and interaction.


What are the ingredients for a good relationship?  A partnership in relationship or romance must operate on the assumption that I am not better nor worse than the other person. I am simply an equal. I am equally wonderful and equally screwy as the person I care for. If they act poorly in circumstances, well, so do I. Without a sense of equality, there will be conflict containing a lot of blame and shame.  

What ingredients do I need to pour into this relationship to positively help it to grow?   In our experience, three areas are necessary for a good relationship


1. I feel I am significant to my partner, 
2. I feel I am respected by my partner, 
3. I feel I am a priority to my partner.

If we have a sense these three areas are working in our relationship, then we feel safe and can be vulnerable.  Think about your current or past relationship.  Do you (or did you) feel you are a priority to your partner?   Do they respect you and do they respond to you so you feel you are significant to them?   If you can answer yes to all three, you probably have a very compatible and safe relationship. If you don’t have these positive ingredients, then you most likely have left that relationship, or if you are still in it, it is probably not the safest place for your emotional stability.  
                                                                                                                   
 So how do I establish a relationship that reflects these ingredients?  Simple; make a conscious choice to make my partner feel significant, respected, and a priority.   

The core understanding to any significant relationship is this , “the only person I have control over in the relationship is myself”.   I may desire my significant other to be different, but I cannot force them to change or line up with my expectations

Likewise, I cannot expect them to provide me a sense of respect, significance, or prioritization. However, I do have the ability to provide these core ingredients for them. If both parties are working to consciously provide respect, significance and prioritization to the other partner, then we will have harmonious relationship. 

If I am working to provide this for my partner, but they are not reciprocating, then I have to make a choice if I want to be in the relationship (see our blog on Choices).  In a relationship, which does not reflect a mutuality of respect, significance and priority, there will be an atmosphere of conflict in which both parties try to win an argument in order to establish their place of significance, respect , or priority

 Think about this, do you have a lot of arguments but most of the time you can’t remember what you were arguing about during the conflict?   If so, then there is a very strong chance one or both of the parties in the relationship is feeling disrespected, insignificant, or non-prioritized


If this is the case, remember, the only person you can change in the relationship is ……… you!   Share your thoughts or become a follower to the blog so we can send other information directly.  If this helps you, tell others. If it doesn’t  or if you have other topics you want to discuss, tell us.  Email us click here

 Dr. T and Dr. Jan.  

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Spell Check for Relationships




One of the hardest things in a relationship is getting past some of the hurts we encounter. People in relationship will hurt each other. It is just logical that somehow we are going to say something, which leaves a mark. 

If we keep doing this to our relationship partner, it is probably a sign we have a lot of deep anger and need to work on it. However, in most relationships, the hurts are not constant, they are just part of our history together.

It is important to get past the hurt and move into the positive aspects of being together. Our ego loves to hang on to the times when our partners did or said something wrong. We have clients who hold on to past grudges and replay them with such clarity you would think it happened an hour ago rather than ten years ago. Our past is subject to our control and we can change our approach to it if we desire. 



One technique is to view our past memories like a Spell Check in a computer. If I type Txton in my computer, it shows it in red, an indication of an error. If Txton is a word I want to use forever, I simply go into the database of the Spell Check and tell it to add the new word to the memory.

Hurts from the past can be dealt with the same way. If my partner said something a year ago that hurt me, and I want to stop feeling bad about it, I can go into my emotional database and tell my ego this particular situation is no longer painful. If I come up with the thought again in the future, I will remind myself it is no longer a hurtful memory and move on. It takes about three times to truly make the ego go along with the change. Remember, you are in charge of your life, not your ego.

Thus we are never victims.

Any thoughts. Share them with us in the comments section or write us at nyccc1@aol.com. Join the blog by becoming a Follower in the box on the right and we will send you a note every time we have a new post. For more information on our counseling go to NYCCC.ORG


If interested in a faith based approach to counseling see my book Inner Space (click here).



Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Three Goals for Heathy Relatinships


There are three aspects of conscious focus in relationships that can create a sense of safety between partners. They are:

I believe I am a PRIORITY to my partner

I believe I am SIGNIFICANT to my partner

I believe I am RESPECTED by my partner 
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If these critical characteristics of conscious focus are missing, the interaction between partners will focus on how each person can capture this sorely needed piece. An argument will not be about the unresolved difficulty, but about a way to regain the sense of priority, significance, or respect.

To accomplish this focus, partners must ask themselves, in a conscious manner, how can I let my partner know they are a priority to me, they are significant in my life, and are respected by me. When this is taking place as an active behavior, the atmosphere in the relationship is safe and open for growth. To accomplish this we need to focus on the positive aspects of our partner and not on the areas we want to change.

Love is the power within us that affirms and values human beings as he or she IS and not the way we want them to be. Human love affirms the person instead of the ideal we would desire him or her to be, or the projection flowing from our mind. 

Love is the inner place of the soul that opens our blind eyes to the beauty, value, and quality of the other person.  Love causes us to value that person as a total, individual self, and this means we accept the negative side as well as the positive, the imperfections as well as the admirable qualities. When one loves the human being instead of the projection, one loves the shadow as much as one loves the light. One accepts the other person's totality.

Try being conscious of providing this type of security to your partner and watch for the change. If both partners try this exercise, the results are beautiful.

Share your thoughts with us by email to nyccc1@aol.com or even better, share a comment below so all can journey together. Join our blog by entering the Follower and Friends box to the right or check the FaceBook or Twitter  LIKE button. We also offer counseling at our New York office or online with Skype or FaceTime on internet.

If interested in a faith based approach to counseling see my book Inner Space (click here).





See our website at www.nyccc.org for more help and information.