A Relationship Vision

What if someone asked you why you have such a great relationship - what would you answer? 
We have a great relationship because_____________________.

A lot of relationships are so lost that filling in the blank would be impossible. Here is a chance to start working on a relationship vision that will enable you to fill in the blank. If we don’t have a vision of what we want, we will never have anything.

Relationship Vision

An exercise to find the potential in your relationship

1.     Each partner takes a sheet of paper and writes a series of short statements describing their personal vision of a deeply satisfying love relationship. Include qualities you already have and want to keep plus qualities you wish you had. Write each sentence in the present tense, i.e. “We are loving parents,” “We have great communication” etc.. Make all statements positive such as “We settle all differences peacefully” rather than “We don’t fight.”

2.     Share your statements with each other. Note the items you have in common and underline them (common thoughts). If your partner has statements you agree with and have not put on your sheet, add them to yours. Ignore for now the ones you do not share.

3.     Now return to your own list and rate all the statements from 1 (very important) to 5 (not so important)

4.     Circle the ones that are most important to you.

5.     Put a check mark by the ones you think would be most difficult for the two of you to accomplish.

6.     Work together to design a mutual relationship vision. Start with the items you consider most important. Put a check by the ones you both consider the most difficult to achieve and complete the list with the relatively least important. If you have a statement which causes conflict, try to find a compromise statement. If you can not, then leave off the list.

7.     Put the list where you can read it daily and once a week, read it aloud to one another. Work together to build a relationship vision.

Example:

We have a great relationship because _______________.

Bill                                                                                  Sally

1               We have fun together                                   1

1               We settle differences peacefully                  1  

1               We worship together                                    1

2               We develop friends                                      1

1               We have a deeper intimacy                          2

2               We save money                                            2

3               We travel                                                      2

4               We visit our parents regularly                      4

5              We share the same political views                5

Please comment on this so we can all share together. What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the Followers box on the top right of the post. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell.

 Thoughts for the Journey of Life

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here).

Forgivness -The Key to Freedom

 

Mark Twain once wrote: What a wee little part of a person’s life are his or her acts and words! Their real life is led in their head, and is known to none but them self.

The deep truth of Mark Twain’s words is painful when we consider how many thoughts we have on an hourly basis, which are known only to our self. I may smile at someone, but my thoughts may be in a hundred places at that moment and have very little to do with my smile. For instance:

I don’t like this person. I am going to be late. Why do they always dress so well? I remember when I dressed well. Why am I so angry? I hate smiling when I am in a hurry. I wonder if I turned the iron off.

These random waterfall of thoughts will generally pass through our mind and not take roost. However, one thought pattern can have catastrophic impact on our daily emotional journey - LACK OF FORGIVENESS. This thought pattern is a source of inner conflict reflecting historical happenings, which have nothing to do with the present moment, but will cause us to plummet into the ibis of unhealthy thoughts as we attempt to navigate our daily life.

There are many people, places or events in any life, which leave wounds and hurts in our memory and then we relive them when they choose to surface. If a person caused me pain ten years ago, then why am I giving my current energy to this past happening? My lack of forgiveness will contain a great deal of negative energy, which will impact my current journey, yet not impact the person who I am now choosing not to forgive in the past

Tehyi Hsieh (1884-1972) a Chinese philosopher once wrote:

A road that does not lead to other roads must always be retraced, 

unless a traveler chooses to rust at the end of it.

"Lack of forgiveness" is such a road we may travel down repeatedly and then have to turn around and return to our journey; a perfect waste of time. 

Or, another choice is to go down the road of “lack of forgiveness”, then just stay at the end of this road and rust until we die. This is a terrible waste of a journey, but lack of forgiveness is a dirty, dusty road, which many simply choose to make as their final destination. 

The pains of the past are real and we need to embrace them as part of our journey. But once embraced, we then need to leave the pain in the past, forgive the person or event which caused the pain, and then move on with our journey. 

If we choose to stay in the painful place, then the perpetrator of our pain will not be held back, only we will, and this is a choice with no positive outcome.

Thoughts for the Journey of Life

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here).

The A,B,C's of Life

Our therapy base is called Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy and is modeled after Albert Ellis, the father of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.

The outline of this therapy is :

A = Activating event,  Something going on in the world around us.

B = Belief about the "something going on in the world around us".

C = The consequence  Our emotions about what we (B) believe concerning (A) the Activating event in the world around us.

For example:
I wake up in the morning and it is raining (the A). I am angry at the rain (the C) because I wanted to go on a picnic and it shouldn't be raining (the B).

Our emotions, (in this case anger) the C, are always controlled by the A (It is raining) and the B (It should not be raining).

The key to this is all in the (B) Belief. When I make a strong demand on something (It shouldn't rain) then my EGO system (self protection/self evaluation) checks to see if this demand is being met by using the senses (I see it is raining, I hear the rain, I smell rain, etc.) When the EGO system discovers the demand (it shouldn't be raining) is not being met, it automatically assumes we are out of control and goes into fight (anger) or flight (depression, anxiety,guilt, etc) in order to protect us from the unfulfilled demand (B).

To keep healthy emotions, we have to be very conscious of what demands we are placing on the world around us (It should not rain; They must like me; They should be smarter; I must never make a mistake, etc.).

  VS 

To avoid unhealthy emotions (the C) we need to consciously not put strong demands (the B) on the world around us. If we change our demands (should, must, have to) to preference (wish, like, prefer) then we will not be trying to control the world and not setting off the EGO system into fight or flight emotions.

Preference example:
I see it is raining (A). I wish (B) (a preference not demand) it wasn't raining because I wanted to go on a picnic today. The rain is (C) disappointing, but maybe I will just go to a movie and have fun there.

To live a more peaceful and joyful life, put preferences on the world around you and try not to make strong demands on things you cannot control. 

In reality, in this world, we do not have control over anything accept for our own emotions. We may think we are controlling things, but any situation can change rapidly.

Remember the outline:

A. The Activating event which we see, feel, think, or experience.

B. What I Believe about this event. I can not control or change it so I will not put demands on it such as should or must, but will use preferences like wish, prefer, like, etc.

C. The consequence of what I believe, (disappointed, sad, concerned, etc. but not angry, depressed, anxious, etc,)

If you want to study this in more depth, We have a book on Amazon called Inner Space which goes into detail on how to walk in a peaceful and content journey of life. (click here for more information)

or

Thoughts for the Journey of Life

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here).

BE CONTENT

Contentment is often viewed as settling for what is and not working toward a better objective. St. Paul, in the fourth chapter of his letter to Phillipians, writes from a very difficult situation. The Romans have him in jail, the Jews want him dead and he can't even get some books from the local congregation he started. Basically it is a bad time, yet he writes to the church: "Whatever place I find myself in, there I am content." 

Obviously he isn't happy with the circumstance, but he chooses to view the situation from a larger perspective and not be caught up in the feeling of a victim. In relationships we often find ourselves in places we my not describe as happy, but what good does it do if we just get angry and play the victim. I see content as follows:

Conscious

Of

Never

Trusting

Ego's

Nonsencical 

Trash

Experience shows the ego loves to go to the role of victim and then defend itself by either being depressed or angry, which never provides anything but more complications. Paul was able to see a larger picture and trusted the current circumstance would pass and the journey he was on would continue to a higher purpose. 

In relationships we have to see the higher purpose of being together and not focus on the momentary discomforts, which often come into play. The bottom line is, we can either complain and be a victim or learn to play until we win. It is a choice, just as every decision we make during our journey. Be content, not a victim and play until you win!

Any thoughts? Share them with us in the comments section or write us at nyccc1@aol.com. Join the blog by becoming a Follower in the box on the right and we will send you a note every time we have a new post. For more information on our counseling go to NYCCC.ORG

If interested in a faith based approach to counseling see my book Inner Space (click here).

Holliday's Suck

A reader sent in the following:

 “ I read your blog on acting like a “Victim” (click here to see that blog) and I do agree with your thoughts, however, yearend holidays leave me feeling very alone and frustrated. I am 41, divorced, no children, and scattered family. I didn’t choose to be here, but here I am. Is that being a victim, or am I just feeling sorry for myself?” Sidney

Sidney; this may be hard to hear, but feeling sorry for your self is victim thinking. The assumption things happened to me and now I am in such a bad place is faulty thinking. 

Obviously, we don’t know all the details about your 41 years of life, but we would venture to say nobody forced you to get married, get divorced, have no children, and be distant from your family. Those areas all reflect independent choices, and thus no room for victim thinking.

No matter how we got to this place, being lonely is difficult. However, once again this is a choice. There are thousands of organizations in need of help during the holidays providing a good place to meet people. There are personal development challenges you could take (vacation, a health spa, visit one of your scattered family members, etc.).

  It is never the people, places, or events in our lives that cause us negative emotions; it is what we believe about the people, places, and events that bring about our emotional health or pain.

A year from now will be the same set of holidays as you are experiencing today. What choices will you make this year so you will be in a better place at this time next year?  There are parties and there are pity parties; each of us can choose which one to attend.

One of the resources our client use is our book INNER SPACE (CLICK HERE). It is a guide for spiritually oriented therapy and provides help for reflective healing.

Romance- Keeping it alive

Romance- Keeping it alive

Every couple has experienced romance. It is that unique spirit of adventure leading us into a deeper place of intimacy. For some it has been simple things like holding hands or sharing a special moment. For others it may be more passionate or ornate. However, for every relationship, it is romance which provides life and energy to face the routine of living.

We have couples come to us who have lost their romantic spark and, unfortunately,  their relationship reflects the emptiness of life. A tactic we use to help find a romantic connection is the following:

Each partner, separately, sits with a sheet of paper and creates the following list:

1.   These are the things you used to do that made me feel loved.
2.    These are the things you do now that make me feel loved.
3.   These are the things you have never done that I would like you to do to make me feel loved.

We suggest at least five things in each section. Then exchange your lists and review them. The suggestions can be sexual, intimate, adventurous, etc. If something is listed the partner is not comfortable with, then it is dropped (i.e. running naked through the park, etc.)

Once the list is set, then each partner has the assignment of doing at east two of the suggestions each week. If the other partner realizes something on their list has taken place, they need to express gratitude for their partner’s effort.

Try it for at least a month and see how it works. Let us know your thoughts by sharing in the comment section below or write us at nyccc1@aol.com Sign up as a follower in the box on the right and we will notify you when a new posting takes place.

My book about the journey of relationships is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU!!!!

How easily those words seem to drift around in our casual conversations. It is good to find love, but what do we really mean when we say “I love you”?

We have children who provide a large cross-section of adventure in life, and we love them a lot. We have a great marriage, celebrate our life together and we love each other a lot. But we also love our boat. Are all these “love” feelings equal? Obviously they aren’t, but how do we differentiate between them?

In a newer relationship, the statement of “I LOVE YOU” is really a statement of ego. When we say “I Love You”’, what we are actually saying is “You make me feel good, and I love how I feel, so I need you to keep making me feel this way.” This level of love is more of ego infatuations and unfortunately, the large cross-section of relationships built on this foundation are destined to crumble when that feeling becomes less.

A Loving Relationship is one in which I realize you bring a lot of junk with you, but you also bring a lot of things I like. Therefore, I choose to be with you because I find the positive of what you bring outshines the negative. It is, once again, a choice I make to accept you “Just as you are”. This type of loving relationship will grow and be fruitful because it reflects on the positive rather than the negative aspects of the relationship.


Which would you rather come home to every day?

1. “You are such a slob. Can’t you ever pick up after yourself? I have to do everything. You are so lazy, can't you help me out. I can’t stand how you approach life.”

Or

2. “You make me happy when you smile. I love being with you and feeling the joy of knowing you are a person who really cares for me. You are the best thing that ever happened to me”.

Obviously, unless you are a masochist, the choice would be the positive reinforcement. This will come when we choose to focus on the positive things of our partner, and stop trying to change the things we don’t like. What you see is what you get. 
A loving relationship is one in which I choose to love you even though you do bring junk and you love me even with all my junk. What we share is positive and beautiful and we will encourage these positive parts of each other.


Are you in love or in a loving relationship?


What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. (see website at www.nyccc.org). Email us if we can help.
Also have a new book out called FAULTLINE. Greed impacts the natural environment and leads to catastrophic problems. Also found on Amazon (click here)

What is a good relationship?

One of our readers asked us to explain what constitutes a “good relationship”. In our blog Significant, Respected, Prioritized (Click here to read)we went over the core of a good relationship and those points still remain the key components to long term success. If a relationship provides a place where each partner feels respected, significant and prioritized then there will be a harmony and safety for growth.

But what is a good foundation for a relationship? The key word is “foundation” as it must provide:
 1. A place of stability.
 2. A place that is flexible and growing.

In a construction site, this type of foundation would seem impossible, however, in zones with high earthquake potential, foundations are built that are sturdy and yet have the ability to withstand the movement of the earth without breaking.This is what a good relationship needs as a foundation.

The structure for stability is the importance of “significance, priority, and respect". This sets the tone for providing a safe place for the relationship to grow.

Nevertheless, unless there is flexibility, the relationship will die. Think of having a baby and how exciting those first few days are with a new born. What would happen if we left the baby in a room all alone and then went back in five years to visit it? The baby would die.

Relationships are the same as the baby. Who we are when we start a relationship will change as we mature and grow. Think what you were like ten years ago and what you are like today. Hopefully, you have changed in several areas, for evolving is the essence of life. This is true in relationships as it is always a reflection of those involved.

Keep an active visitation into the relationship:
• Who are we today?
• What do we believe about life today?
• What do we expect about each other today?
• What are we expecting about tomorrow?

Don’t neglect visiting the relationship together. It is changing and you need to be aware of what is going on. If you don’t visit it, it will die.

Do you have thoughts on relationships and romance? Please share them with us and with each other by filling out the comments section below.

What are your thoughts? Email us at NYCCC1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the "FOLLOW BY EMAIL" Box above. The blog is also on Twitter at  http://twitter.com/@jttwerell.  We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help or check our website at www.nyccc.org