A Relationship Vision

What if someone asked you why you have such a great relationship - what would you answer? 
We have a great relationship because_____________________.

A lot of relationships are so lost that filling in the blank would be impossible. Here is a chance to start working on a relationship vision that will enable you to fill in the blank. If we don’t have a vision of what we want, we will never have anything.

Relationship Vision

An exercise to find the potential in your relationship

1.     Each partner takes a sheet of paper and writes a series of short statements describing their personal vision of a deeply satisfying love relationship. Include qualities you already have and want to keep plus qualities you wish you had. Write each sentence in the present tense, i.e. “We are loving parents,” “We have great communication” etc.. Make all statements positive such as “We settle all differences peacefully” rather than “We don’t fight.”

2.     Share your statements with each other. Note the items you have in common and underline them (common thoughts). If your partner has statements you agree with and have not put on your sheet, add them to yours. Ignore for now the ones you do not share.

3.     Now return to your own list and rate all the statements from 1 (very important) to 5 (not so important)

4.     Circle the ones that are most important to you.

5.     Put a check mark by the ones you think would be most difficult for the two of you to accomplish.

6.     Work together to design a mutual relationship vision. Start with the items you consider most important. Put a check by the ones you both consider the most difficult to achieve and complete the list with the relatively least important. If you have a statement which causes conflict, try to find a compromise statement. If you can not, then leave off the list.

7.     Put the list where you can read it daily and once a week, read it aloud to one another. Work together to build a relationship vision.

Example:

We have a great relationship because _______________.

Bill                                                                                  Sally

1               We have fun together                                   1

1               We settle differences peacefully                  1  

1               We worship together                                    1

2               We develop friends                                      1

1               We have a deeper intimacy                          2

2               We save money                                            2

3               We travel                                                      2

4               We visit our parents regularly                      4

5              We share the same political views                5

Please comment on this so we can all share together. What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the Followers box on the top right of the post. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell.

 Thoughts for the Journey of Life

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here).

OUR SOUL

It is interesting that Psychology is derived from the word Psyche which is interpreted “soul”, yet the Encyclopedia of Psychology has no entry for the soul. In our previous blog “we are one”, we explored the impact of Quantum Physics on our modern spiritual journey and showed how this science breakthrough clearly demonstrates how all things are connected, as all things begin and end as energy.

As we discussed, this energy comes from one source and we are one with this energy. Most spiritual journeys agree this creative energy source is God.

As theologian George Hermes states:
 From one Soul of the Universe are all Souls derived.

If we truly are one, then why are we so divided in so many ways? One common reason for this is we do not understand how we are all connected by the energy of our souls, for it is the soul, which connects us to the core of all life, God. 

If I go to the ocean and fill a glass of water, I have the ocean in the glass. It may lack the power and dynamic of the ocean, but it is one with it. We are the glass filled with the energy of God, we may lack the power and dynamic of the source, but we are still one with it.

If we don’t believe in God, then we are on a journey, which will be controlled by our interaction with the physical and not consciously part of the soul. However, even if we are thinking we are disconnected and do not believe in God, we are truly still connected by this soul energy; we are simply not taking advantage of the power this energy provides.

We do not have a soul, we are a soul and this is the common basis of all relationships. If I allow the human, physical world to define relationship, then I will be at the mercy of the ever changing and unpredictable natural world.

But if I connect to who I am as soul and merge this connection with another soul, then this relationship will have the ability to be guided by the strength and beauty of the universal source of the soul. 

WE ARE LIKE ISLANDS IN THE SEA, SEPARATE ON THE SURFACE BUT CONNECTED IN THE DEEP. 

 WILLIAM JAMES 

These thoughts depict the relationship reality for both romantic connection and friendship with others. But the true relationship begins with the relationship to who we are as individuals, for we are not someone who has a soul, we are the soul. 

Thoughts for the Journey of Life

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here).

Forgivness -The Key to Freedom

 

Mark Twain once wrote: What a wee little part of a person’s life are his or her acts and words! Their real life is led in their head, and is known to none but them self.

The deep truth of Mark Twain’s words is painful when we consider how many thoughts we have on an hourly basis, which are known only to our self. I may smile at someone, but my thoughts may be in a hundred places at that moment and have very little to do with my smile. For instance:

I don’t like this person. I am going to be late. Why do they always dress so well? I remember when I dressed well. Why am I so angry? I hate smiling when I am in a hurry. I wonder if I turned the iron off.

These random waterfall of thoughts will generally pass through our mind and not take roost. However, one thought pattern can have catastrophic impact on our daily emotional journey - LACK OF FORGIVENESS. This thought pattern is a source of inner conflict reflecting historical happenings, which have nothing to do with the present moment, but will cause us to plummet into the ibis of unhealthy thoughts as we attempt to navigate our daily life.

There are many people, places or events in any life, which leave wounds and hurts in our memory and then we relive them when they choose to surface. If a person caused me pain ten years ago, then why am I giving my current energy to this past happening? My lack of forgiveness will contain a great deal of negative energy, which will impact my current journey, yet not impact the person who I am now choosing not to forgive in the past

Tehyi Hsieh (1884-1972) a Chinese philosopher once wrote:

A road that does not lead to other roads must always be retraced, 

unless a traveler chooses to rust at the end of it.

"Lack of forgiveness" is such a road we may travel down repeatedly and then have to turn around and return to our journey; a perfect waste of time. 

Or, another choice is to go down the road of “lack of forgiveness”, then just stay at the end of this road and rust until we die. This is a terrible waste of a journey, but lack of forgiveness is a dirty, dusty road, which many simply choose to make as their final destination. 

The pains of the past are real and we need to embrace them as part of our journey. But once embraced, we then need to leave the pain in the past, forgive the person or event which caused the pain, and then move on with our journey. 

If we choose to stay in the painful place, then the perpetrator of our pain will not be held back, only we will, and this is a choice with no positive outcome.

Thoughts for the Journey of Life

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here).

The A,B,C's of Life

Our therapy base is called Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy and is modeled after Albert Ellis, the father of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.

The outline of this therapy is :

A = Activating event,  Something going on in the world around us.

B = Belief about the "something going on in the world around us".

C = The consequence  Our emotions about what we (B) believe concerning (A) the Activating event in the world around us.

For example:
I wake up in the morning and it is raining (the A). I am angry at the rain (the C) because I wanted to go on a picnic and it shouldn't be raining (the B).

Our emotions, (in this case anger) the C, are always controlled by the A (It is raining) and the B (It should not be raining).

The key to this is all in the (B) Belief. When I make a strong demand on something (It shouldn't rain) then my EGO system (self protection/self evaluation) checks to see if this demand is being met by using the senses (I see it is raining, I hear the rain, I smell rain, etc.) When the EGO system discovers the demand (it shouldn't be raining) is not being met, it automatically assumes we are out of control and goes into fight (anger) or flight (depression, anxiety,guilt, etc) in order to protect us from the unfulfilled demand (B).

To keep healthy emotions, we have to be very conscious of what demands we are placing on the world around us (It should not rain; They must like me; They should be smarter; I must never make a mistake, etc.).

  VS 

To avoid unhealthy emotions (the C) we need to consciously not put strong demands (the B) on the world around us. If we change our demands (should, must, have to) to preference (wish, like, prefer) then we will not be trying to control the world and not setting off the EGO system into fight or flight emotions.

Preference example:
I see it is raining (A). I wish (B) (a preference not demand) it wasn't raining because I wanted to go on a picnic today. The rain is (C) disappointing, but maybe I will just go to a movie and have fun there.

To live a more peaceful and joyful life, put preferences on the world around you and try not to make strong demands on things you cannot control. 

In reality, in this world, we do not have control over anything accept for our own emotions. We may think we are controlling things, but any situation can change rapidly.

Remember the outline:

A. The Activating event which we see, feel, think, or experience.

B. What I Believe about this event. I can not control or change it so I will not put demands on it such as should or must, but will use preferences like wish, prefer, like, etc.

C. The consequence of what I believe, (disappointed, sad, concerned, etc. but not angry, depressed, anxious, etc,)

If you want to study this in more depth, We have a book on Amazon called Inner Space which goes into detail on how to walk in a peaceful and content journey of life. (click here for more information)

or

Thoughts for the Journey of Life

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here).