A Relationship Vision

What if someone asked you why you have such a great relationship - what would you answer? 
We have a great relationship because_____________________.

A lot of relationships are so lost that filling in the blank would be impossible. Here is a chance to start working on a relationship vision that will enable you to fill in the blank. If we don’t have a vision of what we want, we will never have anything.

Relationship Vision

An exercise to find the potential in your relationship

1.     Each partner takes a sheet of paper and writes a series of short statements describing their personal vision of a deeply satisfying love relationship. Include qualities you already have and want to keep plus qualities you wish you had. Write each sentence in the present tense, i.e. “We are loving parents,” “We have great communication” etc.. Make all statements positive such as “We settle all differences peacefully” rather than “We don’t fight.”

2.     Share your statements with each other. Note the items you have in common and underline them (common thoughts). If your partner has statements you agree with and have not put on your sheet, add them to yours. Ignore for now the ones you do not share.

3.     Now return to your own list and rate all the statements from 1 (very important) to 5 (not so important)

4.     Circle the ones that are most important to you.

5.     Put a check mark by the ones you think would be most difficult for the two of you to accomplish.

6.     Work together to design a mutual relationship vision. Start with the items you consider most important. Put a check by the ones you both consider the most difficult to achieve and complete the list with the relatively least important. If you have a statement which causes conflict, try to find a compromise statement. If you can not, then leave off the list.

7.     Put the list where you can read it daily and once a week, read it aloud to one another. Work together to build a relationship vision.

Example:

We have a great relationship because _______________.

Bill                                                                                  Sally

1               We have fun together                                   1

1               We settle differences peacefully                  1  

1               We worship together                                    1

2               We develop friends                                      1

1               We have a deeper intimacy                          2

2               We save money                                            2

3               We travel                                                      2

4               We visit our parents regularly                      4

5              We share the same political views                5

Please comment on this so we can all share together. What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the Followers box on the top right of the post. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell.

 Thoughts for the Journey of Life

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here).

LOVE vs FEAR

Our journey as counselors has always been highly dependent on spiritual understandings. Over many years of client interaction, we have concluded religion in all forms often makes our spiritual journey difficult. 

Churches, Synagogs, Mosques and other places of religious gathering are important in joining together and celebrating our common beliefs, but when this gathering becomes more important than our spiritual journey, it is no longer a place of growth, rather a place of frustration. If our journey of life is to be positive and fulfilling, we need to set aside all the confusing strong judgements of religion and embrace the reality of love

All emotions begin in either Love or Fear. Most religions agree "God is Perfect Love" and therefore the culmination of all experience in the eternal plan of life. If we find ourselves in any emotion other than Love, we need to experience and understand this emotion, then seek for the way Love provides a better option.

The Christian bible states "Perfect Love casts out Fear (1 John 4:18)" but we will never understand the power of Perfect Love until we experience Fear. 

For example: A person will never understand tall unless exposed to short, wet until knowing dry, peace until knowing anger. 

Knowing about the shadow or fear side of life gives us the ability to understand the light side, which is love. With both these options clearly understood, we make a choice as to which to follow.

Fear always presents itself when love appears, but turning from the fear allows a life of creative peace and love. For example:

I love you (statement of love)

Do you really love me? (statement of fear)

I really love you  (statement of love)

How long will he/she love me? (statement of fear)

I will never leave you or forsake you (God's Perfect Love)

But what if I don’t do things right (Religious Fear)

The creative journey depends on trusting the fact that God loves us and does not judge us but simply observes how we use our gift of life. Most religions teach that God is the source of Unconditional Love. 

However, religion then goes on to tell us what conditions we have to meet in order to receive Unconditional Love. 

This is confusing as how can it be unconditional if it has conditions?

                                                 

When we live outside of the Perfect Love, we will most likely do and say things which will provide a less than fulfilling life. While these actions fall outside of Perfect Love, we are always loved unconditionally even if our actions may be imperfect. We may find judgement for our inappropriate actions, but our essence or intrinsic nature is always loved unconditionally. 

On a human level, we may not like a persons behaviors or words but we will not judge them as a person, only dislike their action. 

Our life journey is to choose who we will be and then experience what we create. If I choose to be a person of peace then love will guide me. But if I choose to abide in anger or anxiety, then fear is my guiding force.This process teaches us how to know what Love and Fear are. By experiencing these opposite feelings, we then have the choice to walk in either one or the other and learn from them.

 Whatever the choice we make, it will provide information and guidance for our eternal journey.

Ultimately, God's love is always with us, for nothing can separate us from the love of God. It is this Unconditional Perfect Love, which allows us to experience life and make decisions we about, "Who I Am". 

This Perfect Love will never condemn, it will only observe. No matter what I create, it is always something useful in understanding Perfect Love. As long as we trust Perfect Love is there for us, our journey will be positive. If we doubt this Perfect Love, then we walk with fear, and we will create more fear.

Spend a few moment asking yourself what you truly believe about God's Perfect, Unconditional Love. We can't live positively unless we really believe it.

                                            

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here)

Holliday's Suck

A reader sent in the following:

 “ I read your blog on acting like a “Victim” (click here to see that blog) and I do agree with your thoughts, however, yearend holidays leave me feeling very alone and frustrated. I am 41, divorced, no children, and scattered family. I didn’t choose to be here, but here I am. Is that being a victim, or am I just feeling sorry for myself?” Sidney

Sidney; this may be hard to hear, but feeling sorry for your self is victim thinking. The assumption things happened to me and now I am in such a bad place is faulty thinking. 

Obviously, we don’t know all the details about your 41 years of life, but we would venture to say nobody forced you to get married, get divorced, have no children, and be distant from your family. Those areas all reflect independent choices, and thus no room for victim thinking.

No matter how we got to this place, being lonely is difficult. However, once again this is a choice. There are thousands of organizations in need of help during the holidays providing a good place to meet people. There are personal development challenges you could take (vacation, a health spa, visit one of your scattered family members, etc.).

  It is never the people, places, or events in our lives that cause us negative emotions; it is what we believe about the people, places, and events that bring about our emotional health or pain.

A year from now will be the same set of holidays as you are experiencing today. What choices will you make this year so you will be in a better place at this time next year?  There are parties and there are pity parties; each of us can choose which one to attend.

One of the resources our client use is our book INNER SPACE (CLICK HERE). It is a guide for spiritually oriented therapy and provides help for reflective healing.

Romance- Keeping it alive

Romance- Keeping it alive

Every couple has experienced romance. It is that unique spirit of adventure leading us into a deeper place of intimacy. For some it has been simple things like holding hands or sharing a special moment. For others it may be more passionate or ornate. However, for every relationship, it is romance which provides life and energy to face the routine of living.

We have couples come to us who have lost their romantic spark and, unfortunately,  their relationship reflects the emptiness of life. A tactic we use to help find a romantic connection is the following:

Each partner, separately, sits with a sheet of paper and creates the following list:

1.   These are the things you used to do that made me feel loved.
2.    These are the things you do now that make me feel loved.
3.   These are the things you have never done that I would like you to do to make me feel loved.

We suggest at least five things in each section. Then exchange your lists and review them. The suggestions can be sexual, intimate, adventurous, etc. If something is listed the partner is not comfortable with, then it is dropped (i.e. running naked through the park, etc.)

Once the list is set, then each partner has the assignment of doing at east two of the suggestions each week. If the other partner realizes something on their list has taken place, they need to express gratitude for their partner’s effort.

Try it for at least a month and see how it works. Let us know your thoughts by sharing in the comment section below or write us at nyccc1@aol.com Sign up as a follower in the box on the right and we will notify you when a new posting takes place.

My book about the journey of relationships is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)

New journey

In relationships, it is a primary task to create an atmosphere where your partner feels respected, significant and a priority. (see our blog on this click here ). Fortunately, in our relationship as husband and wife we find this easy and fun.

 Because of this the following is a real joy to share as my fantastic wife is moving forward in her journey as a consultant. Hope you enjoy it. 

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU!!!!

How easily those words seem to drift around in our casual conversations. It is good to find love, but what do we really mean when we say “I love you”?

We have children who provide a large cross-section of adventure in life, and we love them a lot. We have a great marriage, celebrate our life together and we love each other a lot. But we also love our boat. Are all these “love” feelings equal? Obviously they aren’t, but how do we differentiate between them?

In a newer relationship, the statement of “I LOVE YOU” is really a statement of ego. When we say “I Love You”’, what we are actually saying is “You make me feel good, and I love how I feel, so I need you to keep making me feel this way.” This level of love is more of ego infatuations and unfortunately, the large cross-section of relationships built on this foundation are destined to crumble when that feeling becomes less.

A Loving Relationship is one in which I realize you bring a lot of junk with you, but you also bring a lot of things I like. Therefore, I choose to be with you because I find the positive of what you bring outshines the negative. It is, once again, a choice I make to accept you “Just as you are”. This type of loving relationship will grow and be fruitful because it reflects on the positive rather than the negative aspects of the relationship.


Which would you rather come home to every day?

1. “You are such a slob. Can’t you ever pick up after yourself? I have to do everything. You are so lazy, can't you help me out. I can’t stand how you approach life.”

Or

2. “You make me happy when you smile. I love being with you and feeling the joy of knowing you are a person who really cares for me. You are the best thing that ever happened to me”.

Obviously, unless you are a masochist, the choice would be the positive reinforcement. This will come when we choose to focus on the positive things of our partner, and stop trying to change the things we don’t like. What you see is what you get. 
A loving relationship is one in which I choose to love you even though you do bring junk and you love me even with all my junk. What we share is positive and beautiful and we will encourage these positive parts of each other.


Are you in love or in a loving relationship?


What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. (see website at www.nyccc.org). Email us if we can help.
Also have a new book out called FAULTLINE. Greed impacts the natural environment and leads to catastrophic problems. Also found on Amazon (click here)

What is a good relationship?

One of our readers asked us to explain what constitutes a “good relationship”. In our blog Significant, Respected, Prioritized (Click here to read)we went over the core of a good relationship and those points still remain the key components to long term success. If a relationship provides a place where each partner feels respected, significant and prioritized then there will be a harmony and safety for growth.

But what is a good foundation for a relationship? The key word is “foundation” as it must provide:
 1. A place of stability.
 2. A place that is flexible and growing.

In a construction site, this type of foundation would seem impossible, however, in zones with high earthquake potential, foundations are built that are sturdy and yet have the ability to withstand the movement of the earth without breaking.This is what a good relationship needs as a foundation.

The structure for stability is the importance of “significance, priority, and respect". This sets the tone for providing a safe place for the relationship to grow.

Nevertheless, unless there is flexibility, the relationship will die. Think of having a baby and how exciting those first few days are with a new born. What would happen if we left the baby in a room all alone and then went back in five years to visit it? The baby would die.

Relationships are the same as the baby. Who we are when we start a relationship will change as we mature and grow. Think what you were like ten years ago and what you are like today. Hopefully, you have changed in several areas, for evolving is the essence of life. This is true in relationships as it is always a reflection of those involved.

Keep an active visitation into the relationship:
• Who are we today?
• What do we believe about life today?
• What do we expect about each other today?
• What are we expecting about tomorrow?

Don’t neglect visiting the relationship together. It is changing and you need to be aware of what is going on. If you don’t visit it, it will die.

Do you have thoughts on relationships and romance? Please share them with us and with each other by filling out the comments section below.

What are your thoughts? Email us at NYCCC1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the "FOLLOW BY EMAIL" Box above. The blog is also on Twitter at  http://twitter.com/@jttwerell.  We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help or check our website at www.nyccc.org

Looking for love in all the wrong places

A reader wrote in: “I am 38, single, female, with a relationship track record that looks like a report on the Titanic. I seem to attract nice men, have a good time with them, and then things seem to go to hell. What am I doing wrong?"

We Replied:”Obviously, we need more information to really help you.


1. How long do the relationships last in general?


2.What kind of ‘hell’ breaks loose?


3. Do you see yourself as a controlling person, a helping person, or just a mix of both?”

She replied “My relationships seem to last between 2 months to 8 months. One was longer, but he ended up gay after we dated for a year and a half, so don’t know what to make of that. All hell seems to be a lack of caring for me or even a concern for my needs. I am definitely not a controlling person; I just want someone to love me”.

We dialoged some more with her, and her answers gave us enough incite to proceed with some comments. A relationship, like any living thing, needs time to grow and mature. From our perspective it takes about three months for the relationship to start to show some signs of reality. By this we mean it takes that long before the façade starts to wear off and the real people begin to show up. It is when the good, the bad, and the ugly start to come over the relationship horizon. It takes about another nine months after this for a relationship to move from “I am in love” to a “loving relationship”(click here for our blog on I Love You) During the nine months of being with a person and seeing the ‘good, bad, and ugly” we determine if this is a place we really want to build a future.

In this particular case, it seems the relationships didn’t provide a nurturing place for our reader and thus she ended up feeling used. Our general belief about this case is the woman is trying to fix and heal her partners so they will love her and stay with her. One further conversation with her did show that she had a tendency toward “co-dependence” or the desire to pour more life into others than into her own. The idea is; “let me make you happy, healthy, whole, and then you will love me”. As such she gives so much of herself to the relationship, that she starts to resent the fact they are not reciprocating. Rather than leave this, she turns up more “fix and repair” and thus expects even more “love” in return. She will be clingy, demanding, emotional, and generally hard to get along with as she pours out more of herself and gets little in return.

Questions to ask in this situation:

1. Is my worth based upon this other person’s acceptance of me?

2. Am I prioritizing my life or am I second to others?

3. If I really believe I can fix this person, why am I always dating such broken people?

If you see yourself with this problem or have been in similar situations, please comment on this so we can all share together. What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the Followers box on the left of the post. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell.  We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help. 

My book Forever Yours depicts a long term relationships and some of the intricacies involved in this process. Click Here for more information.

CHANGES

It has been a while since our last posting as we have been relocating from New York to Florida. We talked about this move for a few years and finally it all came together. While we loved New York and the journey we shared there, this new stage in our lives is exciting and, given it is almost November, much warmer.

We will continue to provide counseling sessions for those who desire, but for now everything will be done on the internet using video sessions. We have about forty clients who are currently using the internet sessions and all agree it is much easier and more convenient than going to a therapist office. For more information go to our website at www.nyccc.org.

The move has been somewhat stressful yet a fantastic time to truly place emphasis on the positive sides of our marriage and commitment to each other. A healthy relationship must be a conscious place of keeping positive energy and interaction.

What are the ingredients for a good relationship?  A partnership in relationship or romance must operate on the assumption that I am not better nor worse than the other person. I am simply an equal. I am equally wonderful and equally screwy as the person I care for. If they act poorly in circumstances, well, so do I. Without a sense of equality, there will be conflict containing a lot of blame and shame.  

What ingredients do I need to pour into this relationship to positively help it to grow?   In our experience, three areas are necessary for a good relationship. 

1. I feel I am significant to my partner, 
2. I feel I am respected by my partner, 
3. I feel I am a priority to my partner.

If we have a sense these three areas are working in our relationship, then we feel safe and can be vulnerable.  Think about your current or past relationship.  Do you (or did you) feel you are a priority to your partner?   Do they respect you and do they respond to you so you feel you are significant to them?   If you can answer yes to all three, you probably have a very compatible and safe relationship. If you don’t have these positive ingredients, then you most likely have left that relationship, or if you are still in it, it is probably not the safest place for your emotional stability.                                                                                                                     
 So how do I establish a relationship that reflects these ingredients?  Simple; make a conscious choice to make my partner feel significant, respected, and a priority.   

The core understanding to any significant relationship is this , “the only person I have control over in the relationship is myself”.   I may desire my significant other to be different, but I cannot force them to change or line up with my expectations. 

Likewise, I cannot expect them to provide me a sense of respect, significance, or prioritization. However, I do have the ability to provide these core ingredients for them. If both parties are working to consciously provide respect, significance and prioritization to the other partner, then we will have harmonious relationship. 

If I am working to provide this for my partner, but they are not reciprocating, then I have to make a choice if I want to be in the relationship (see our blog on Choices).  In a relationship, which does not reflect a mutuality of respect, significance and priority, there will be an atmosphere of conflict in which both parties try to win an argument in order to establish their place of significance, respect , or priority. 

 Think about this, do you have a lot of arguments but most of the time you can’t remember what you were arguing about during the conflict?   If so, then there is a very strong chance one or both of the parties in the relationship is feeling disrespected, insignificant, or non-prioritized. 

If this is the case, remember, the only person you can change in the relationship is ……… you!   Share your thoughts or become a follower to the blog so we can send other information directly.  If this helps you, tell others. If it doesn’t  or if you have other topics you want to discuss, tell us.  Email us click here. 

 Dr. T and Dr. Jan.