A Relationship Vision

What if someone asked you why you have such a great relationship - what would you answer? 
We have a great relationship because_____________________.

A lot of relationships are so lost that filling in the blank would be impossible. Here is a chance to start working on a relationship vision that will enable you to fill in the blank. If we don’t have a vision of what we want, we will never have anything.

Relationship Vision

An exercise to find the potential in your relationship

1.     Each partner takes a sheet of paper and writes a series of short statements describing their personal vision of a deeply satisfying love relationship. Include qualities you already have and want to keep plus qualities you wish you had. Write each sentence in the present tense, i.e. “We are loving parents,” “We have great communication” etc.. Make all statements positive such as “We settle all differences peacefully” rather than “We don’t fight.”

2.     Share your statements with each other. Note the items you have in common and underline them (common thoughts). If your partner has statements you agree with and have not put on your sheet, add them to yours. Ignore for now the ones you do not share.

3.     Now return to your own list and rate all the statements from 1 (very important) to 5 (not so important)

4.     Circle the ones that are most important to you.

5.     Put a check mark by the ones you think would be most difficult for the two of you to accomplish.

6.     Work together to design a mutual relationship vision. Start with the items you consider most important. Put a check by the ones you both consider the most difficult to achieve and complete the list with the relatively least important. If you have a statement which causes conflict, try to find a compromise statement. If you can not, then leave off the list.

7.     Put the list where you can read it daily and once a week, read it aloud to one another. Work together to build a relationship vision.

Example:

We have a great relationship because _______________.

Bill                                                                                  Sally

1               We have fun together                                   1

1               We settle differences peacefully                  1  

1               We worship together                                    1

2               We develop friends                                      1

1               We have a deeper intimacy                          2

2               We save money                                            2

3               We travel                                                      2

4               We visit our parents regularly                      4

5              We share the same political views                5

Please comment on this so we can all share together. What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the Followers box on the top right of the post. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell.

 Thoughts for the Journey of Life

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here).

LOVE vs FEAR

Our journey as counselors has always been highly dependent on spiritual understandings. Over many years of client interaction, we have concluded religion in all forms often makes our spiritual journey difficult. 

Churches, Synagogs, Mosques and other places of religious gathering are important in joining together and celebrating our common beliefs, but when this gathering becomes more important than our spiritual journey, it is no longer a place of growth, rather a place of frustration. If our journey of life is to be positive and fulfilling, we need to set aside all the confusing strong judgements of religion and embrace the reality of love

All emotions begin in either Love or Fear. Most religions agree "God is Perfect Love" and therefore the culmination of all experience in the eternal plan of life. If we find ourselves in any emotion other than Love, we need to experience and understand this emotion, then seek for the way Love provides a better option.

The Christian bible states "Perfect Love casts out Fear (1 John 4:18)" but we will never understand the power of Perfect Love until we experience Fear. 

For example: A person will never understand tall unless exposed to short, wet until knowing dry, peace until knowing anger. 

Knowing about the shadow or fear side of life gives us the ability to understand the light side, which is love. With both these options clearly understood, we make a choice as to which to follow.

Fear always presents itself when love appears, but turning from the fear allows a life of creative peace and love. For example:

I love you (statement of love)

Do you really love me? (statement of fear)

I really love you  (statement of love)

How long will he/she love me? (statement of fear)

I will never leave you or forsake you (God's Perfect Love)

But what if I don’t do things right (Religious Fear)

The creative journey depends on trusting the fact that God loves us and does not judge us but simply observes how we use our gift of life. Most religions teach that God is the source of Unconditional Love. 

However, religion then goes on to tell us what conditions we have to meet in order to receive Unconditional Love. 

This is confusing as how can it be unconditional if it has conditions?

                                                 

When we live outside of the Perfect Love, we will most likely do and say things which will provide a less than fulfilling life. While these actions fall outside of Perfect Love, we are always loved unconditionally even if our actions may be imperfect. We may find judgement for our inappropriate actions, but our essence or intrinsic nature is always loved unconditionally. 

On a human level, we may not like a persons behaviors or words but we will not judge them as a person, only dislike their action. 

Our life journey is to choose who we will be and then experience what we create. If I choose to be a person of peace then love will guide me. But if I choose to abide in anger or anxiety, then fear is my guiding force.This process teaches us how to know what Love and Fear are. By experiencing these opposite feelings, we then have the choice to walk in either one or the other and learn from them.

 Whatever the choice we make, it will provide information and guidance for our eternal journey.

Ultimately, God's love is always with us, for nothing can separate us from the love of God. It is this Unconditional Perfect Love, which allows us to experience life and make decisions we about, "Who I Am". 

This Perfect Love will never condemn, it will only observe. No matter what I create, it is always something useful in understanding Perfect Love. As long as we trust Perfect Love is there for us, our journey will be positive. If we doubt this Perfect Love, then we walk with fear, and we will create more fear.

Spend a few moment asking yourself what you truly believe about God's Perfect, Unconditional Love. We can't live positively unless we really believe it.

                                            

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order our book (click here)

Our new book

Over the last years, as a couple and as practicing therapists, we watched our journey take many different detours and adjustments, but as a couple we have tenaciously held on to our journey plan of loving each other and making the best of what we experienced.

The new book is a compilation of some thoughts and exercises from our journey, which we anticipate may help others as a roadmap or a GPS to keep them on course in order to reach their destinations.

For more information on how to order (click here)

BE CONTENT

Contentment is often viewed as settling for what is and not working toward a better objective. St. Paul, in the fourth chapter of his letter to Phillipians, writes from a very difficult situation. The Romans have him in jail, the Jews want him dead and he can't even get some books from the local congregation he started. Basically it is a bad time, yet he writes to the church: "Whatever place I find myself in, there I am content." 

Obviously he isn't happy with the circumstance, but he chooses to view the situation from a larger perspective and not be caught up in the feeling of a victim. In relationships we often find ourselves in places we my not describe as happy, but what good does it do if we just get angry and play the victim. I see content as follows:

Conscious

Of

Never

Trusting

Ego's

Nonsencical 

Trash

Experience shows the ego loves to go to the role of victim and then defend itself by either being depressed or angry, which never provides anything but more complications. Paul was able to see a larger picture and trusted the current circumstance would pass and the journey he was on would continue to a higher purpose. 

In relationships we have to see the higher purpose of being together and not focus on the momentary discomforts, which often come into play. The bottom line is, we can either complain and be a victim or learn to play until we win. It is a choice, just as every decision we make during our journey. Be content, not a victim and play until you win!

Any thoughts? Share them with us in the comments section or write us at nyccc1@aol.com. Join the blog by becoming a Follower in the box on the right and we will send you a note every time we have a new post. For more information on our counseling go to NYCCC.ORG

If interested in a faith based approach to counseling see my book Inner Space (click here).

Holliday's Suck

A reader sent in the following:

 “ I read your blog on acting like a “Victim” (click here to see that blog) and I do agree with your thoughts, however, yearend holidays leave me feeling very alone and frustrated. I am 41, divorced, no children, and scattered family. I didn’t choose to be here, but here I am. Is that being a victim, or am I just feeling sorry for myself?” Sidney

Sidney; this may be hard to hear, but feeling sorry for your self is victim thinking. The assumption things happened to me and now I am in such a bad place is faulty thinking. 

Obviously, we don’t know all the details about your 41 years of life, but we would venture to say nobody forced you to get married, get divorced, have no children, and be distant from your family. Those areas all reflect independent choices, and thus no room for victim thinking.

No matter how we got to this place, being lonely is difficult. However, once again this is a choice. There are thousands of organizations in need of help during the holidays providing a good place to meet people. There are personal development challenges you could take (vacation, a health spa, visit one of your scattered family members, etc.).

  It is never the people, places, or events in our lives that cause us negative emotions; it is what we believe about the people, places, and events that bring about our emotional health or pain.

A year from now will be the same set of holidays as you are experiencing today. What choices will you make this year so you will be in a better place at this time next year?  There are parties and there are pity parties; each of us can choose which one to attend.

One of the resources our client use is our book INNER SPACE (CLICK HERE). It is a guide for spiritually oriented therapy and provides help for reflective healing.

Romance- Keeping it alive

Romance- Keeping it alive

Every couple has experienced romance. It is that unique spirit of adventure leading us into a deeper place of intimacy. For some it has been simple things like holding hands or sharing a special moment. For others it may be more passionate or ornate. However, for every relationship, it is romance which provides life and energy to face the routine of living.

We have couples come to us who have lost their romantic spark and, unfortunately,  their relationship reflects the emptiness of life. A tactic we use to help find a romantic connection is the following:

Each partner, separately, sits with a sheet of paper and creates the following list:

1.   These are the things you used to do that made me feel loved.
2.    These are the things you do now that make me feel loved.
3.   These are the things you have never done that I would like you to do to make me feel loved.

We suggest at least five things in each section. Then exchange your lists and review them. The suggestions can be sexual, intimate, adventurous, etc. If something is listed the partner is not comfortable with, then it is dropped (i.e. running naked through the park, etc.)

Once the list is set, then each partner has the assignment of doing at east two of the suggestions each week. If the other partner realizes something on their list has taken place, they need to express gratitude for their partner’s effort.

Try it for at least a month and see how it works. Let us know your thoughts by sharing in the comment section below or write us at nyccc1@aol.com Sign up as a follower in the box on the right and we will notify you when a new posting takes place.

My book about the journey of relationships is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)