Good communication in relationships is vital, yet it is one of the first areas to fall into disrepair. In our experience, the greatest hinderance to good communication is becoming defensive and trying to win the argument or debate. Communication, in its basic form, is the ability to express concepts and opinions so others understand and possibly benefit from this understanding. However, when we share opinions as ultimate facts, then we are saying our opinion is the only opinion that counts and everyone must agree.
We often tell clients not to express opinions with a finger in the other persons face. For example, when one person starts to demand that the other person change, then the receiving individual will go into a defensive position.
Person 1: “You shouldn’t watch that TV show. It is bad for you.”
Person 2: “This is a good show. I’ll do what I want to do.”
The defensive position will always come when a challenge is given, it is just human nature. A better approach may be the following:
Person 1: “I don’t like that TV show, I feel it isn’t good for me. What do you think?”
Person 2: “I guess it’s ok, why don’t you like it?”
Person 1: “I just don’t like that kind of violence in my life. It’s up to you, but not what I like.”
Person 2: “There its a lot of violence I guess. Let’s find something else.”
In this case, there is no defense, just sharing of opinions and some level of change. Even if the other person doesn’t agree with us, they will still listen and make their own choices. We never have control over another person, so why make them defend their position?
Next time you want to share a thought or opinion, think about how it is said. If you state it as a fact and expect others to agree, then your opinion may not be received. If you share it as an opinion and don’t force other to agree, then you may have better relationships. The old adage is if you point one finger out, there are three more pointing back at you.
For more information go to our website at www.NYCCC.org
