I hate being single
A lot of the people we see are content with their single life and believe it is fulfilling. However, a greater number really don’t like being alone and live in a place of anxiety concerning their ability to find a partner. Unfortunately, it is this place of anxiety that causes the process of relationship seeking to crash into the proverbial wall. Anxiety, over any situation, is an unhealthy emotion driving the individual into unhealthy behavior.
To maintain healthy emotions and behaviors, we need to understand our belief about the events and people in our life. It is never the people, places, or events in our life that cause us unhealthy emotions, it is what we believe about the people, places, or events. If I am depressed about a rainy day, it is not the rain that causes my depression; it is what I believe about the rain.
The emotion of anxiety about being single comes from a demand that “I should not be single” or “I must be in a relationship”. The problem with those thoughts is the inability to meet the demand. When we state something “should” or “must “ take place, our ego evaluation system checks to see if our demand is being met. If it is not, then our emotional state goes into overload, and we enter an emotional “fight/flight” defense. I will fight against the “threat” by being angry or I will “flight” from the “threat” by becoming anxious or depressed. The problem is, there is no threat, only a misplaced demand.
Instead of “I should be in relationship” go to “I would like to be in relationship” or “I would prefer to be in relationship”. The preference statement will allow us to continue to process information, think clearly, and establish a behavior that will positively address the situation. We will discuss this positive position verses negative in our next blog. Suffice it to say that if we sow out negative emotions we will harvest back the same (if I sow corn into the field, I will only get corn back, not wheat). Our brain is a series of neural pathways established by repetitive thinking. To build a new pathway, we need to change our thinking from a demand of "should" to a preference dialog.
For example, instead of saying that it shouldn’t rain today and being angry, I might state that I wish it wasn’t raining, but it is and while that is disappointing, maybe I will go take in a movie. In this thought process, I am still functioning, I have a new positive direction, and I am open to the day without anger. Repeating this type of positive open thinking will establish new neural pathways and bring about change.
This week, listen to your own demands on life. The “should’s, would’s, and must’s” of life are emotional land mines. Make a list of your demands, determine if you really have the ability to carry out the demand, and if you don’t have that ability, change the demand to a preference. Share your comments below or email us at NYCCC1@AOL.com.
In my book OFF THE HOOK, a woman struggles with her relationship insecurities and learns how to walk in a positive evaluation system that transforms her life. Check out
In my book OFF THE HOOK, a woman struggles with her relationship insecurities and learns how to walk in a positive evaluation system that transforms her life. Check out
Well said! I have met severalto another, which after time would prove equally unsuccessful and unfulfilling.
ReplyDeleteit's not just the potential minefield of 'must's', 'should's' and 'would's' which hinders success in relationships born out of anxiety of being single. People who rush into relationship out of the fear of being alone are often not happy with themselves and want other people to make them happy. In my opinion and experience this is a recipe for a relationship disaster. If you're not happy with yourself, no one else can make you happy.
So true. Self acceptance is key to other acceptance. No other person can make me feel good about myself if I choose to feel bad. Thanks for you comment. Dr. T.
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