Sex and relationships. part 3
We have been exploring the aspect of sex in relationships. Our last blog (Sex and relationships 2) dealt with individual expectations concerning sex. We appreciated all the email comments and were touched by many of your responses concerning the Ladder of Intimacy. This concept obviously was a hit and we enjoyed your thoughts. Please share your comments here on the blog if you can, as it would be helpful for others to also read them.
This time we deal with the second question about sex and that is “What fear does sex bring to me?” Most communications about sex don’t openly deal with fear, probably because we are afraid to talk about our fears. However, as we said in the first blog, (part 1) sex is the highest level of vulnerability we can experience, and thus it brings on a high level of fear if not approached correctly. What are the main fears?:
1. I am inadequate or not acceptable. In the process of having a sexual relationship, it is necessary to feel safe and connected. If we rush into sex, or don’t feel safe in our sexual experience, we may experience deep wounds that will impact not only the relationship we are in, but also future relationships. This is the main reason to progress in sexual relationship on a slow and careful process, not out of some religious or social demand, but out of a respect for our partner and our selves.
2. Fear that I am bad or doing something wrong. – This is a difficult fear, as so much of our value system seems to revolve around sex. In our western society, especially in our major religions, sex is seen as a problem area from which humans must protect themselves or parish in some sinful punishment. In a relationship, if two people have evolved far enough to feel comfortable and safe, then sex is a natural progression. (We're sure there will be many comments about that thought.) Most of our clients are from a Judeo/Christian background, and our thirty years of therapy experience demonstrates about 95% of the couples who enter into marriage are not virgins. If a person was sexually active prior to marriage and has been told this was bad, they have now established a negative groundwork for future sexual experience, This produces the fear that they not only have done something wrong, but they are something bad for doing it. Each individual must decide how to live their life according to their own religious and moral preference. If they prefer to remain abstinent, but end up not following this desire, this does not change their worth or value, it simply changes their preference. They may be disappointed they departed from their preference, but they are still good people, no matter what the action may have been. Needless to say, in our society, unless we know the health status or sexual history of either partner, do not make love without using a condom or other reliable barrier contraceptive, unless you are absolutely sure it is safe. The beauty of a sexual experience without fear begins with trust. Abstinence until the relationship is secure is an obvious way to build trust.
These two fears are the core of most sexual anxiety. But what about some positive thoughts. Lovemaking between a man and a woman, when entered into with awareness, is a gateway to both sexual and spiritual ecstasy. The key is awareness.
In the New York Museum of art, there is a painting by Picasso entitle “Woman in White”. When first viewing the painting, it expresses a gentleness and beauty which is very soothing. However, if enough time is spent with the painting, there is a tremendous power of peace that literally flows from the painting into the viewer’s heart. Sex is like the painting. It is not about intercourse, it is about the experience of enjoying the beauty and joy of creation. Next time you and your partner are in a sexual place, stop and enjoy the beauty of being together. Climb the ladder slowly and enjoy every aspect of sight and touch in a loving, respectful and nonsexual way. This is the beauty of sex without fear.
Share some of your thoughts on this subject. As therapist, we find that sex is one of the biggest problems in relationships, so we are certain many of you have thoughts and questions.What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerellell. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help.
We have been exploring the aspect of sex in relationships. Our last blog (Sex and relationships 2) dealt with individual expectations concerning sex. We appreciated all the email comments and were touched by many of your responses concerning the Ladder of Intimacy. This concept obviously was a hit and we enjoyed your thoughts. Please share your comments here on the blog if you can, as it would be helpful for others to also read them.
This time we deal with the second question about sex and that is “What fear does sex bring to me?” Most communications about sex don’t openly deal with fear, probably because we are afraid to talk about our fears. However, as we said in the first blog, (part 1) sex is the highest level of vulnerability we can experience, and thus it brings on a high level of fear if not approached correctly. What are the main fears?:
1. I am inadequate or not acceptable. In the process of having a sexual relationship, it is necessary to feel safe and connected. If we rush into sex, or don’t feel safe in our sexual experience, we may experience deep wounds that will impact not only the relationship we are in, but also future relationships. This is the main reason to progress in sexual relationship on a slow and careful process, not out of some religious or social demand, but out of a respect for our partner and our selves.
2. Fear that I am bad or doing something wrong. – This is a difficult fear, as so much of our value system seems to revolve around sex. In our western society, especially in our major religions, sex is seen as a problem area from which humans must protect themselves or parish in some sinful punishment. In a relationship, if two people have evolved far enough to feel comfortable and safe, then sex is a natural progression. (We're sure there will be many comments about that thought.) Most of our clients are from a Judeo/Christian background, and our thirty years of therapy experience demonstrates about 95% of the couples who enter into marriage are not virgins. If a person was sexually active prior to marriage and has been told this was bad, they have now established a negative groundwork for future sexual experience, This produces the fear that they not only have done something wrong, but they are something bad for doing it. Each individual must decide how to live their life according to their own religious and moral preference. If they prefer to remain abstinent, but end up not following this desire, this does not change their worth or value, it simply changes their preference. They may be disappointed they departed from their preference, but they are still good people, no matter what the action may have been. Needless to say, in our society, unless we know the health status or sexual history of either partner, do not make love without using a condom or other reliable barrier contraceptive, unless you are absolutely sure it is safe. The beauty of a sexual experience without fear begins with trust. Abstinence until the relationship is secure is an obvious way to build trust.
These two fears are the core of most sexual anxiety. But what about some positive thoughts. Lovemaking between a man and a woman, when entered into with awareness, is a gateway to both sexual and spiritual ecstasy. The key is awareness.
Share some of your thoughts on this subject. As therapist, we find that sex is one of the biggest problems in relationships, so we are certain many of you have thoughts and questions.What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerellell. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help.
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