Sex and relationships. Part 2

Sex and relationships.  Part 2

Some very interesting thoughts have been shared since we posted Part 1 of Sex and relationships (sex and relationships). We appreciate the emails replies, but we do wish more people would comment on the blog page so others can also see your comments and hopefully share theirs also. 

Several people found the idea of "controlled vulnerability" to be a good explanation concerning the use of pornography. Several asked how to break away from this type of sexual activity, and we assure you we will discuss the area of addiction in relationship in the future. For now, the best first step is to destroy the illusion of control and vulnerability. The control is only in the mind as pornography is only a fantasy of our ego. Vulnerability is also just an illusion, unless you are willing to express to everyone just how you watch and enjoy pornography. Make an agreement with your significant other that every time you use pornography, you will tell them. It does make vulnerability more realistic in this type of agreement. As we said, we will deal with this in detail at a later date.

In part one we provided four questions to ponder in regard to our sexual journey:

1. What are my expectations concerning sex?
2. What fear does sex bring to me?
3. How do I see myself with sex, vulnerable or controlling?
4. What if my partner never wanted to have sex?

Let's look at the first question; what are my expectations concerning sex? In our experience, the range of expectation will run from a Nirvana experience to one of judgment and failure for having sex. A large part of our expectations is couched in the religious and social precepts we acquired as children.

On the one side, Nirvana, we find the ultimate desire is to escape reality and be consumed with total pleasure. It is normal in our Western society to seek a place of ecstasy or Nirvana through outside experience, possibly even touch it for a moment, but then, on a deeper level, we will continue to remain unfulfilled. In healthy sexual relationships, partners transform sexuality from the plane of doing to the place of being. Sex becomes a place without goals as it is only a celebration of the present moment where we revere our partner and transform the act of sex into a sacrament of love.

With our clients we use the concept of the Ladder of Intimacy. 
In a typical relationship, the ladder is leaning against a wall and each rung is a level of intimate expression. The first rung may be intimacy of eye contact with a partner. Rung two is intimacy of verbal contact. Rung three is intimacy of first physical contact such as hand touch or a hug. Rung four is intimacy reflecting a level of expressed contact, such as kiss or long embrace. Rung five is preliminary sexual contact such as fondling or shared nudity. Rung six is total nudity leading to rung seven which is intercourse. In our society, the ladder is generally seen (especially from males) as a place to reach the top rung as soon as possible.

 In healthy sexual relationships we take the ladder off the wall and lay it flat on the ground. In this position each rung is a place of sexual intimacy complete in and of itself. Try it with your partner. When your in a crowded space, look at each other and share a visual intimacy that says," I am one with you". This visual contact is as intimate as a physical moment and is shared only by the two of you.  Use the rung of touch to express deep intimacy by just holding your partner's hand and feeling deep love and intimacy. Try it with each area of the ladder. If we can grow in intimacy in the lower rungs, then the higher will be a safer and more beautiful place to visit. 

We will deal with the judgement side of expectation next time, but for now, celebrate the beauty of being intimate and vulnerable. Put the ladder on the ground and visit each rung.

Share some of your thoughts on this subject. As therapist, we find that sex is one of the biggest problems in relationships, so we are certain many of you have thoughts and questions.What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1@aol.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” Box. The blog is also on Twitter at http://twitter.com/@jttwerell. We send special email to followers and also will answer personal questions in a private email. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help.