Unconditional Self Acceptance

 Often, when we are talking to people, we are fascinated with the level of disrespect many have toward themselves. A lot of the anger in our society is an attempt by some people to make people around them feel as miserable about life as they do.

For example; if I don't like who I am, then you become a threat. Not because you did anything, just the fact that you exist bothers me, because you may seem to be happy and I am not. Therefore, let me make you unhappy so I feel better.

After thousands of years of evolving as the human species, it often seems we haven’t come very far. 

One of the things we use in our practice is the aspect of U.S.A.. In this case, U.S.A. stands for Unconditional Self Acceptance. This means a person will accept who they are without judgement. For example: I am a wonderful person and I am also a person who is often not so wonderful. I love humor but I also have a dark side. I love to be at peace, but anger does show up. It is just who I am. No judgement, just observation.

Try it sometime when your inner voice tells you all the bad things about who you are or what you do. Just say, “Yep that’s true” and then remember the opposite is also part of you. It is just who we are. If we accept ourselves without condemnation, then we won’t have to dump all our junk on others. 

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Bothered Baby Boomers

Along with my aging process, I am being blessed with the ability to work with older clients who are my fellow baby boomers, which is generally bench marked as those born between 1945 and 1964. This includes about 76 million people who began the journey of life following World War II. Now we are a generation who are facing the last stage of the journey, but trying to believe the best is yet to come. This month I turn 72 so I am definitely part of the boomer gang and proud of it.

The areas that seem to bother the baby boomers the most are the rapid changes in the interpersonal relationships, which seems to have taken place over the last years. I'm sure my parents felt the television was a massive departure from the value system they were raised in, so our often voiced concern about the internet is probably part of this evolutionary process. My grandfather dated my grandmother in a horse and buggy, so they had adaptation problems also.

Here are a few suggestions I share with my clients who are bothered baby boomers:

1. Stay connected but not coerced. In developmental psychology the time from 58 to 62 is a time of evolving into a person who isn't trying to prove anything to anyone, but is simply content with life and is set to enjoy it. There is a tendency to become isolated at this point, which is a definite wrong turn in the road. Staying connected to friends, family and social interaction is essential in the process of evolving. However, it is necessary to be connected to those who will provide a positive approach to daily living, not a negative complaining energy. Do not be coerced into negative interactions designed to bring clouds of darkness and fear.

2. Be creative.  The brain is constantly in the process of recreating every part of the body. There isn't one part of a living human body which hasn't died and been reborn. This is what the life of body cells is all about. If our body is constantly recreating itself, then we need to do the same with our lives. Find something new to challenge the mind and the body out of complacency and into creativity. Write a book, paint a picture, learn a new instrument, take up a new sport or just get outside and see what nature is doing. Be creative.

3. Develop a spiritual connection. Many of my fellow boomers have been busy trying to survive life and have not taken time to seek a spiritual understanding. Religion is interesting and often provides a great positive outlet, but a spiritual journey needs to be different from religious doctrine. Ask yourself, "What do I believe?" then follow up with the question "Why?" It is a big universe filled with magnificent beauty and it is working in harmony. As humans we don't work well in this harmony,, but we can if we take time to be part of it. Every person living today is going to die. Let's not fear that fact, let's explore the spiritual journey to see if we can find a larger understanding.

These are just a couple of thoughts I share with my clients and friends about the process of becoming an Unbothered Baby Boomer. Would love to hear your thoughts so feel free to comment below.

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My book about the Baby Boomer generation is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)

Our Shadow - part 4

SHADOW AND HURT 

In this series on THE SHADOW, we have explored MY SHADOW THINKING and SHADOW AND SHAME. In this section we want to explore the question; how do I think I am going to be hurt if this is exposed?

“This” is the thought or action we hold inside with the fear of being “found out”. It is a shadow thought existing because we refuse to expose it to the power of light. Remember, there is never enough shadow to extinguish light, but light will always remove shadow.

In the case of the fear of being hurt if some shadow thought or action is “found out” we are allowing shadow to operate in a vacuum of rational understanding. We keep the shadow thought inside where it takes on a life of its own, which will generally produce even darker shadows and ultimately produce a strong self-destructive reaction.

What if they found out about my using the internet to watch pornography. They would hate me and think I was a pervert. I am a pervert. I hate myself. I cant let them find out.  (SHADOW THOUGHT)

What if they found out about my using the internet to watch pornography. I guess they might be concerned, but am I concerned? I think I am concerned this habit is becoming stronger. I’m not a pervert, so why do perverted things? I think I will find someone to talk to about this because I don’t want to have this as an addiction.  (LIGHT THOUGHT)

Self-loathing is a shadow that can lead to self-destruction if we let it keep growing without light. Listen to the thoughts you entertain and see if they bring peace or fear.

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

A journey without a spiritual connection is a very empty activity. In my book "Forever Yours" a young couple meet in the 60's and explore life from a spiritual and non-spiritual perspective until they evolve into their latter years. Check Amazon (click here) to find out more about: 

SHADOW AND SHAME - PART 3

SHADOW AND SHAME - Part 3

In the previous articles on THE SHADOW and MY SHADOW THINKING we explored the inner recesses of our thinking and brought attention to the power of light over shadow. Our basic premise is in this truth: there has never been enough shadow and darkness to extinguish light, but a small amount of light can reduce a shadow immediately. Light a candle in a dark room and watch shadow recede from the power of light.

One of the strongest deceptions of shadow is the feeling of shame. Shadow will come up with some dark concept, convince us it is a good thing, and then provide a stage of shame for us to stand on when the shadow is exposed. Shame is simply a terrible emotion as it is a statement of personal identity with some action or thought. I may have done something or thought something I wish I hadn’t, but the thought or action doesn’t define me, it is simply an unfortunate thought or action.

I became angry. I am ashamed of being an angry person (a shadow thought).

I became angry, which is disappointing, but I am not an angry person. (A light thought).

I did drugs again. I am an idiot. I am such a looser. (Shadow Thought)

I did drugs again. That was an idiotic thing to do, but I’m not an idiot. I will get some help so I can make better decisions. (Light Thought)

I am not what I do. I am created as light and I choose to do shadow things, but I am still light. Acknowledge the shadow, but remember the light is always stronger. Don't confuse our actions with our essence.

TO CONTINUE THE SHADOW STUDY CLICK HERE

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

A journey without a spiritual connection is a very empty activity. In my book "Forever Yours" a young couple meet in the 60's and explore life from a spiritual and non-spiritual perspective until they evolve into their latter years. Check Amazon (click here) to find out more about: 

THE SHADOW - PART 2

MY SHADOW THINKING 

In the last lesson entitled THE SHADOW (click here) we explored the reality concerning our dark side known as the shadow and our other side know as light. The foundation of recovery thinking is in the truth that shadow can never shut out light, but light always overpowers shadow.

The first question we want to explore in our shadow/light understanding is:

WHY AM I HIDING THIS BAD THOUGHT, IMPULSE OR ACTION?

We all have thoughts that we keep from others attentions because exposing the thought might lead to negative reactions. We smile at someone but the thought is “I cant stand you, I hate you.” Or we may have an action or impulse, which is destructive, yet we do it anyhow and wonder why. “A little drugs won’t hurt. I can flirt a little; it wont hurt anything. I can get away with cheating on this test. Who will know.”

These are shadow thoughts that love to remain in the darkness of our thinking. What do we do to offset them? Generally nothing, which is why we get into problems so unexpectedly. To change the shadow, we need to expose it to light. But I can’t expose the shadow to light unless I admit it is there.

Shadow = I can’t stand you, I hate you.”

Light = Well that is a rather strong statement. Do I really hate this person or do I just not like what they are doing. If I hate them, then am I really any better than they are or am I just lowering myself to their level. I don’t really hate them, but I do hate what they did so either I confront what they did, or I let it go. If they repeat the action, then I will separate myself from them as they are not something I want in my journey. I can hate them if I want, but I really would rather be at peace within myself and not feel this hatred.

We generally hide the shadow side from light because we think the shadow side is right and we deserve to be there or we know the shadow side is wrong and are ashamed to admit it exists. Shadow is neither right or wrong, it is just shadow. Embrace it for what it is and then turn on a light and see how long it lasts. We will explore shadow and shame next time.

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

CONTINUE WITH SHADOW STUDY CLICK HERE FOR PART 3
A journey without a spiritual connection is a very empty activity. In my book "Forever Yours" a young couple meet in the 60's and explore life from a spiritual and non-spiritual perspective until they evolve into their latter years. Check Amazon (click here) to find out more about: 

THE SHADOW - PART 1

I don’t know why I got so angry. I just can’t help it.

I don’t know why I used the drugs. I just can’t stop.

I don’t know why I cheated. I am such a terrible person.

Over the years we found it interesting to listen to people as they struggled to explain why they said or acted out certain thoughts and behaviors seemingly destructive to their life. These actions range from addictive behaviors to relationship problems, such as affairs or heated arguments. The term for these actions we call the shadow side of life, loosely based on the thoughts of Carl Jung, a brilliant psychologist around the turn of the century.

The shadow side is the darkness that seems to creep into our lives when we least expect it, and somehow disrupt an otherwise beautiful moment. However, it is a predictable part of life if we approach shadow with a conscious understanding and not allow it to lurk in hidden places.

Wherever you may be at the moment, look around and observe there are shadows. Where there is light, there has to be a shadow. This is the wonderful message in this discovery: there has never been enough shadow to put out a light, but if you turn on enough lights, shadows disappear. Walk into a completely dark room and light a match. The darkness can’t put out the match, but the light will overpower the darkness every time.

This is true of the shadow side of our human nature. No matter how dark my shadow is, if I turn on a light, the shadow becomes smaller. However, if I choose to simply be in darkness and turn off light, then I will be in shadow.

So what is the light? The complex question has a reasonably simple answer. Light is the positive in the midst of the negative. Light is the hope in the midst of the hopeless. Light is the abundance in the midst of lack. Light is always stronger than shadow, all we need to do is acknowledge the presence of light and not fall into the shadow.

How do I do this? The first part is to acknowledge the shadow for what it is and not deny it. The second part is to acknowledge the light is stronger than the shadow. Over the next few weeks we will explore this concept toward recovery as we go step by step through the following thoughts:

Questions to ask when confronting the shadow:

1.Why am I hiding this bad thought, impulse, or action?

2. What am I ashamed of?

3. How do I think I am going to be hurt if this is exposed?

4. Am I being affected by memories of past punishment?

5. When I hear an inner voice judging me harshly, who from my past is actually speaking to me?

6. How would my self-image suffer if I revealed this?

7. Have I been working within a belief system that sees human beings as innately sinful?

8. Why do I choose to live with guilt instead of without it?

CLICK HERE for continuing of Shadow part 2

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

A journey without a spiritual connection is a very empty activity. In my book "Forever Yours" a young couple meet in the 60's and explore life from a spiritual and non-spiritual perspective until they evolve into their latter years. Check Amazon (click here) to find out more about:

THE SHADOW AND PAST PUNISHMENT - PART 5 OF SERIES

In this series we are examining the dark side of our emotional state which we call the shadow. In the first article, THE SHADOW, we explored what shadow is and how it impacts our lives. The reoccurring theme we want to examine is the fact that their has never been enough shadow produced that could extinguish light. However, one small light can drive back darkness. So it is with our darkest Shadow Thoughts. If left alone in the shadows, they will continue to grow in darkness. However, when exposed to light, the darkness will become faint. What is light? Light is the positive in the midst of the negative. Light is the hope in the midst of the hopeless. Light is the abundance in the midst of lack.

One of the dark shadows found in our thinking is the memory of past punishment and the fear it brings to our current circumstances. If a child is exposed to sexual trauma they may grow to an adult who is afraid of sexual contact because of past pain. The shadow will keep them locked up because the fear of the pain is greater than the thought of pleasure (if there is even a thought of pleasure). 

A very emotionally detached family may leave us feeling unloved. We may learn to perform for love and approval in the hope of feeling good. However, our fear will always be that we are not good enough and we will often play roles to win love and approval. These roles may preclude being who we really are and obtaining what we truly want for our lives.

What fears drive us today? What behaviors do we perform when we really don’t want to do them, but we think someone wants them and we need their approval? What do we refrain from because of fear of pain, a fear that is grounded in a past shadow and not exposed to the current reality of light. We only have this journey to enjoy, don’t give it to the fears of the past. Write out these fears and think of them in the light of the present moment not the past. 

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.