We introduced the thought that adult relationships are formulated, to a large extent, by childhood. We received a lot of comments and will share a few. We do appreciate your email comments, but would also like to have readers comment on the post page so others can dialog and we can share together. First email response:
Dr. T and Dr. J
Thank you for your post about father/daughter relationships. I am 45, divorced mother of two (19 and 25). My father was a very hard working man, but he was totally absent from any emotional contact with the family. He made contact with my older brother through sports, but he had no real attachment to women (including my mother). I vividly remember how I would go out of my way to make sure his paper was by his chair each day so he could sit and read it when he got home. I did a thousand other things to get his approval, but never really felt like it worked. I went to college and became very sexually active as soon as my feet hit campus. It gained me attention and admiration from the men. I now realize it was not me that got the attention it was my sexual behavior.
When I married, I had a husband who was a great provider, but totally detached from the marriage and from the household. I realize now that I married my father. I kept looking for his approval and did everything I could to please him. My husband finally ended up having an affair with a younger woman and left me behind. I assumed I had once again failed, as my performance was judged by him and I came up looser. Your quick little post hit me like a lightning bolt. I need help. I am tired of riding the opinion of men as my sense of worth. What can I do? Thanks RLK
We responded to RLK and she is now in sessions with our SKYPE counseling. The beautiful part about RLK’s letter was her ability to see how her unconscious childhood had continued to run her adulthood. When we become conscious, we are 90% healed of past wounds.
Here is another email comment:
I am 28, married for a year, and no children. When I read your “mother/son” post I checked to see if you had sent it directly to my attention. My husband has a very strange relationship with his mother and it is now playing out in our marriage. She is a very controlling woman, who is successful in life, but not in relationships. She has been married several times, and my husband’s father is not in his life since he was a baby. I knew she was a strong woman before I married, but in the last several months, she has been more intrusive than normal. Nevertheless, I am not bothered by her actions as much as my husbands. It seems that the more she tries to run our lives, the more my husband seems to be angry with me. From what you shared in your blog, I think the “Mother Complex” is working and I am getting the brunt of his destructive behavior. I am concerned about this, and would like some guidance in this problem. Thanks for any help and know that your posts are real life savers many times.. MK
We responded:
MK. Thanks for your email. Unfortunately, you seem to be correct in your evaluation of your husband’s reaction to his mother. Because we don’t know him and are only relying on your input, we may be wrong, but it does appear that he is looking for you to provide him the “mothering” that his own mother refuses to give. Most likely she has been a very dominant part of his life since he can remember, and perhaps not the highest level of nurturing. The more she becomes negative about your marriage, the more he feels like a failure and demands that you nurture him. Unfortunately, because the complex is being fed by the negative input of his mother, there isn’t enough positive input available to make him feel better.
The answer is for him to become conscious of his reaction to his mother and separate childhood from adulthood. The two of you are a new unit, and as such are not subject to the mother’s evaluation. Set goals and objectives for your marriage that reflect who the two of you are and, as you meet those goal, celebrate the victory with great enthusiasm. If you set a goal to travel more, when you take a trip, have a great dinner celebration marking the fact that you are doing what you both set out to do. Mom will not change and you can’t change your husband. He has to be willing to see his reactions and consciously move into a better place emotionally. However, you can make the new journey together a place that is a reflection of positive love and acceptance.
Share your thoughts with us by email to nyccc1@aol.com or even better, share a comment below so all can journey together. Join our blog by entering the Follower and Friends box to the right or check the FaceBook or Twitter I LIKE button. We also offer counseling at our New York office, on line, or with Skype or FaceTime on internet.
If interested in a faith based approach to counseling see my book Inner Space (click here)
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