Let's Fight, I'm Right

Let’s Fight, I’m Right

            A reader sent this email to us and ask us to respond. “Dr. T and  Dr. Jan – I have been in several relationships over the last few years (I am 34 year old and single) but they all seem to have the same pattern. They start in fun, open communication and then digress over time to a place of conflict and non-communication. I am willing to admit that I am part of the problem, but what is going on that causes this to happen.  If you need more information, let me know, but I am really tired of the pattern.  JW.”

JW – Thanks for your email. First thought to consider is that conflict is always part of a relationship; we just don’t want it to be the entire relationship. Conflict is simply the meeting of different opinions. Fighting is when we try to force the other person to change their opinion to ours. (See our blog “I vs WE”. )

So why do we end up in a highly conflicted relationship? My first thought is “the relationship probably reflects the inner turmoil of one or both of the participants in the relationship.” If I am in conflict with my own life, I will carry that conflict to others. Most fights are simply continuing rituals that develop as a place of expressing energy, but accomplishing nothing. Rituals are usually important statements when we begin them, but often fade into unconscious repetition that has little or no conscious meaning. I may have a ritual of brushing my teeth and then having a cup of coffee in the morning. It is not a conscious process, but it is a way of expressing my individuality. The ritual of an argument and fight is the same process. I am aware of how vulnerable I am to the impact of the world around me, so I stand ready to defend myself from every perceived wrong.  If I feel under attack, I will respond out my learned ritual.

In relationships, we develop a better understanding of how the other person will handle life. If I perceive that the other person doesn’t handle life as I do, then I may perceive I am under attack and respond accordingly. After a while, we have developed a new ritual of cause and effect, fight all the time, accomplish nothing, and develop even greater mistrust.

 For example, when we first date, you tell me that you like the country rather than the city. I am a city person, but I find your thought interesting and let it go. However, as we continue to relate, I see you refer to the country several times and don’t seem to agree with my thoughts about the beauty of living in the city. As this goes on, I now feel you are threatening me and my views, and I need to defend myself before you topple my “correct “understanding. I personalize your opinion as an attack and now begin to ritually send you negative energy to attempt to overthrow your attacking army. In the meantime, you cannot understand why I am so angry about your liking the country, as you wouldn’t really want to live in the country, but you love to visit the country. Now you have to defend yourself from my attack on the country. And on we go!!!

How do we stop this deterioration?

Stop defending yourself.

We don’t have to agree to be close. If we are very close, we may enjoy the fact that we don’t agree and thus are challenged by someone we can trust. However, if I continue to think I must protect myself from every thought that is different from mine, then I will remain an insecure, lonely person.

JW, try this as a focus thought for a while: I am entitled to my opinion and I don’t have to agree with you. You are entitled to your opinion and you don’t have to agree with me. But I refuse to see your difference of opinion as a threat to me; it is simply your opinion.

If you still feel threatened by the relationship after a few week of making this a conscious evaluation, then it may be time to move on to a safer relationship.

We would love to hear from all who read this blog. Email us at JTTwerell@JTTwerell.com or leave a comment here.

Mother /Son Father/daughter…some comments

Mother /Son Father/daughter…some comments


We introduced the thought that adult relationships are formulated, to a large extent, by childhood. Got a lot of comments and will share a few. We do appreciate your email comments, but would also like to have readers comment on the post page so other can dialog and we can share together. First email response:

I am 28, married for a year, and no children. When I read your “mother/son” post I checked to see if you had sent it directly to my attention. My husband has a very strange relationship with his mother and it is now playing out in our marriage. She is a very controlling woman, who is successful in life, but not in relationships. She has been married several times, and my husband’s father is not in his life since he was a baby. I knew she was a strong woman before I married, but in the last several months, she has been more intrusive than normal. Nevertheless, I am not bothered by her actions as much as my husbands. It seems that the more she tries to run our lives, the more my husband seems to be angry with me. From what you shared in your blog, I think the “Mother Complex” is working and I am getting the brunt of his destructive behavior. I am concerned about this, and would like some guidance in this problem. Thanks for any help and know that your posts are real life savers many times.. MK

We responded:

MK. Thanks for your email. Unfortunately, you seem to be correct in your evaluation of your husband’s reaction to his mother. Because we don’t know him and are only relying on your input, we may be wrong, but it does appear that he is looking for you to provide him the “mothering” that his own mother refuses to give. Most likely she has been a very dominant part of his life since he can remember, and perhaps not the highest level of nurturing. The more she becomes negative about your marriage, the more he feels like a failure and demands that you nurture him. Unfortunately, because the complex is being fed by the negative input of his mother, there isn’t enough positive input available to make him feel better.

The answer is for him to become conscious of his reaction to his mother and separate childhood from adulthood. The two of you are a new unit, and as such are not subject to the mother’s evaluation. Set goals and objectives for your marriage that reflect who the two of you are and, as you meet those goal, celebrate the victory with great enthusiasm. If you set a goal to travel more, when you take a trip, have a great dinner celebration marking the fact that you are doing what you both set out to do. Mom will not change and you can’t change your husband. He has to be willing to see his reactions and consciously move into a better place emotionally. However, you can make the new journey together a place that is a reflection of positive love and acceptance.

Share your thoughts with us by email tomailto:jttwerell@jttwerell.com or even better, share a comment below so all can journey together. Join our blog by entering the Follower and Friends box to the right or check the FaceBook or Twitter I LIKE button.