Listen to me, please

One of the problem areas we keep seeing in relationships is the inability of partners to truly listen to each other. In the beginning phase of relationships, there is generally a more attentive nature in communication, however, as time moves on and ego's get bruised, the ability to truly listen to our partner is replaced by a desire to defend our position. 

When I defend my position, I assume you will now agree with my position and I will be happy. However, as I defend my position you now have to defend your position and won't be happy until I agree. At this point we are no longer communicating, we are at war.

I was dealing with a couple the other day in which I pointed out this defensive listening problem to the husband. He listened to me and then, you guessed it, he defended himself. I pointed this out to him again, and once again he defended his defense. He wasn't there to learn anything new, he was there to show me he was correct. Needless to say, we didn't get far.


The problem with defensive listening is the listener stops really processing the conversation before the speaker is through talking. Rather than hearing what is being said, the listener is now thinking up a good defensive statement to "win" the argument. If both parties are using defensive listening, a heated argument is almost guaranteed.


Why do we listen defensively? Generally because of insecurity, either in the relationship or in life in general. If we weren't listened to in childhood, then we trained ourself to be defensive so we could win some type of support. Doesn't work, but it is a thought we have. If, in the relationship, I don't feel secure, then I will defend my position before you make me too vulnerable. 


How do we listen correctly? Try repeating what you heard your partner saying. Not only will you be sure you heard correctly; your partner will realize you are honestly communicating and possibly lower their own defensiveness. A simple statement of "What I hear you saying is_________", will provide a much safer and open environment for positive communication. 

Another conscious action is remembering not to put your "finger in their face." By this we mean don't start a conversation by telling someone they are wrong; rather start by saying you have a different perspective and would like to share. Others will receive new perspectives easier than judgement.

When we look in a mirror we realize we have two ears and one mouth. Seems like a divine plane to help us listen more than talk, especially if we are going to defend rather than understand.

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My book about finding balance in relationships is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)