When I started dating, one of the hardest problems was calling a possible girl to ask her out. This was mostly in high school as meeting in a local bar or club took over in and after collage. Today one of the more popular meeting places is on the internet using the cyberspace as a local bar.
Watching commercials for internet dating is like watching advertising for the lotto. It sounds so easy and everyone has a chance to win. However, as in everything in life, there are very few shortcuts to successful relationships. Our clients who have used the internet report a mixture of results, which seem to fall into some interesting categories. Let's explore some of the positive and negative aspects of the internet romance:
1. The most positive impact provided by internet dating is the ease of finally meeting someone without having to go out on a blind date. The negative part of this same impact is the ease of making things up about yourself and pretending it is true. We have heard of some real shipwrecks because a person advertised they were something they were not. Some of the dating sites use testing to help out, but you really never know what a person is until your truly spend time together. We suggest our clients set up the first face to face meeting as a lunch date. That way, if things aren't positive in the date, you aren't stuck with a long night of difficult interaction.
2. Another positive aspect of the internet date is the ability to dialog with someone without having to actually enter into the vulnerability of a date. Emails, telephone, text, video, and other modern tools provide a means of exchange allowing us to know a great deal about a person without having to actually go out with them. The negative part of this is the lack of true emotional understanding the internet provides. If I receive an email that says "I have a hard time understanding you," in all honesty, I will have no idea what this means. It may mean I have a bad connection; I don't speak clearly; you and I are not communicating; or the person is partially deaf. Unless I am given some idea of the emotion behind the words, they really could mean anything.
3. A third aspect of internet dating that may be seen as positive is the building of understanding, which can take place before the pressure of performing. Every early date is a place of performing for approval. We show our best behavior (hopefully), most charming conversations and best emotions. While all this is good, it does preclude actually getting to know someone until the second or third date. With the internet, information is exchanged and we get to know more about education, goals, dreams, etc. Again, the danger is the person who gives false information. That is why a lunch date is the safest first date. Find out what is really true, and then go forward or go home.
Some tactical guidelines to internet dating:
1. Text with a purpose - don't just fill a page with cute little phrases and non-essential emoji. Be clear in your purpose.
2. You are the person dating, not your phone. Statistically only one in three online dates actually work out, so don't hide behind your phone. Get into tangible groups, activities and other places to meet real people face to face.
3. Don't disappear. If the internet person is not one you're looking for, be honest, don't just drop out of sight. Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.
4. Be open as to what you are looking for in a partner. A millionaire with a big yacht is wonderful, but not the best perimeter for longterm relationship. What do you really want in a partner? If you are not honest, you will get a lot of strange replies to your vague request.
Remember, as we said in our blog on Modern Romance (click here), Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA) is key to successful relationships. If you cant love yourself, who can you love.
My book about finding balance in relationships is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)
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