Setting Boundaries

Think about this statement for a few minutes:

I base my concept of who I am on what others say or think.

I operate from fear, coupled with low self-esteem. I spend most of my time reacting to other people, trying to control them, allowing them to control me, and feeling confused by it all.

Obviously, not everyone can relate to this statement, but unfortunately a large segment of our population will recognize part of their life as reflected in the outline. Many of the clients we see struggle with self-identity issues. A question we often ask in order to help people truly understand their need for “outside  approval” is the following:

If we lined up ten people in a room and nine of the people said very positive things about you as a person, yet one stated they didn’t care for you, would you focus more on the nine positive or more on the one negative review?

By nature we are all seeking approval from others but if this need for approval is too strong, then we give away the ability to truly be comfortable with our self. Self acceptance has to come from within and not from others. How do we build self acceptance? The first place of understanding is the creation of healthy boundaries. 

Our boundaries are our limits; how far we go with others, how far we allow them to go with us. We can define boundaries only for ourselves. Our boundaries define what we allow to come into our lives. If boundaries are not established and enforced - then we will give our journey, and our peace to others.  

To establish boundaries in relationships one pattern has been used with good success:

If you - WRITE a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)

I will - WRITE a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.

If you continue this behavior - WRITE a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.

For example:
IF YOU lie to me I WILL be very disappointed and your actions will impact my trust, but I will try to recover. However, IF YOU CONTINUE THIS BEHAVIOR, I will terminate our relationship.

Think about some relationship problems you may have in your journey and then try to apply this three phase boundary builder. Obviously, the key to a boundary is greater than our ability set it up; we must always be prepared to enforce the penalty for violation. This is difficult when we don’t have respect for ourself and need the approval of others.

We will discuss this in more detail over the next few weeks. Let us know your thoughts and questions by leaving a comment here or email us at NYCCC1@aol.com. Click here for Part 2 of Boundaries

How have you honored the value of your partner? My book "Forever Yours" explores this long term relationship as a couple move through life from college to the golden years. It is a story of the baby boomer generation but as one reviewer states "It is simply a beautiful journey through the complicated pathway of what we call life." Click here for more information on "Forever Yours."