RELATIONSHIPS AND HONESTY

Please – be honest


The quality of a relationship is always based on the honesty of the individuals involved. Honesty is a rather large brush stroke, so let’s break it down into some smaller concepts.

1. Honesty in expressing what I am thinking. This is often more difficult for men than women, as men generally love to bypass digging too deep into what they are feeling. However, if I am not expressing what I really feel, then I am operating out of fear. If I tell you what you want to hear so you won’t be upset, then I am afraid of your being upset. It is hard to be happy when I live in fear.

2. Honesty in not trying to make you be another me. This honesty is the drive of many unhealthy relationships and it reflects the thought: “If he/she would just do it my way things would be okay”. That is the ego intensive concept that “I know what is best for both me and you”. A relationship with that thinking as a foundation simply says, “I don’t love you, I just love it when you are like me”. This thinking reflects a strong need to control because I am in charge.

3. Honesty is not making you my dirty mirror. The “dirty mirror” syndrome is when we have characteristics we don’t like about ourselves, but refuse to deal with them constructively. We then find the similar trait in another and project our judgment and anger on them. If I am constantly angry because my partner is lazy, it is a good idea to check and see if I also hate the fact that I am lazy, even though I never admit that I am. Strong judgmental opinions about others, especially those close to us, are generally a projection of our own flaws.

Honesty is often a difficult journey because our society takes such pride in subordinating truth. Our advertisements are always slanted, we don’t really trust our leaders, we pretend that everything is great in our lives so others will admire us, we teach our children to be untruthful in many ways and in many lives, we don’t even trust a spiritual presence as being something that loves us. How do we change this? Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself, who am I?…..Please be honest in your answer. If you have an honest relationship with yourself, you will have more honest relationships with others.

Do you have thoughts on relationships and romance? Please share them with us and with each other by filling out the comments section below.

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Equality in Relationships ... a foundation for success

     

      In our blog, The First Romance Story,  we reviewed the aspect of equality being the core of contemporary relationships. Just what is equality in relationship and how does it work?  Obviously, equality is a belief I am not better nor worse than my significant other.  It is a place of harmony. In modern relationships, I find there is much lip service given to “equality”, but there is not a heartfelt desire to see our partner as an equal.

Generally, equality is extended as long as the other person does what I want, but if they don’t fit into my pattern of understanding they are no longer my equal, they are my enemy.  I will love you forever, as long as you don’t leave the cap off the tooth paste, don’t track in muddy shoes, don’t lie to me, don’t provide less than I am entitled in life. If you don’t live up to my demands and expectations, then you are a terrible person who I must either attack or retreat from for my own protection.


I often hear couples say, “My partner just seemed to change after we got married. I don’t know what happened.” The simple answer is they both lost their ability to see each other as equals.  As equals, we are mutually loving and mutually screwy, and that is just who we are! So how do we maintain equality in relationships? Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA). If we really can accept ourselves unconditionally, love ourselves even with our crazy ways of living, and be at peace with our own illogical thinking and behavior, then we can obviously feel the same way about others. However, if we don’t like ourselves, then how much of a chance does our partner stand? USA – Unconditional Self Acceptance. How unique would that be in relationships? If I love “I” then I will love “we”. This will be expanded in our next blog.   Dr. T.

THE SHADOW AND PAST PUNISHMENT - PART 5 OF SERIES

In this series we are examining the dark side of our emotional state which we call the shadow. In the first article, THE SHADOW, we explored what shadow is and how it impacts our lives. The reoccurring theme we want to examine is the fact that their has never been enough shadow produced that could extinguish light. However, one small light can drive back darkness. So it is with our darkest Shadow Thoughts. If left alone in the shadows, they will continue to grow in darkness. However, when exposed to light, the darkness will become faint. What is light? Light is the positive in the midst of the negative. Light is the hope in the midst of the hopeless. Light is the abundance in the midst of lack.

One of the dark shadows found in our thinking is the memory of past punishment and the fear it brings to our current circumstances. If a child is exposed to sexual trauma they may grow to an adult who is afraid of sexual contact because of past pain. The shadow will keep them locked up because the fear of the pain is greater than the thought of pleasure (if there is even a thought of pleasure). 

A very emotionally detached family may leave us feeling unloved. We may learn to perform for love and approval in the hope of feeling good. However, our fear will always be that we are not good enough and we will often play roles to win love and approval. These roles may preclude being who we really are and obtaining what we truly want for our lives.

What fears drive us today? What behaviors do we perform when we really don’t want to do them, but we think someone wants them and we need their approval? What do we refrain from because of fear of pain, a fear that is grounded in a past shadow and not exposed to the current reality of light. We only have this journey to enjoy, don’t give it to the fears of the past. Write out these fears and think of them in the light of the present moment not the past. 

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