Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Out of the Box and Off the Wall

In our Blog “Hot Steamy Body = romance?”( click here to read that blog), we talked about the reality of true romance. In that blog we discussed the ideal of romantic connection as one in which we can express our sensations and intuitions. We talked about the romance of touching life with our senses, but now we want to explore romance from an intuitive side. By Intuitive we mean the perception of a total situation non-rationally. It is the ability to view life through general impressions and abstract ideas, rather than concrete detail. In modern thinking, it is living “out of the box”. Sensation, as we previously studied, is an intense perception of physical world. Intuition is ignoring the perception and creating our own reality.

A couple we had in therapy, who were in a relationship going nowhere, desperately wanted to turn up the fire and find a romantic connection. They had dated for two years, been married for a year, and now felt bored with the relationship. While this may be difficult to understand for many people, in our experience, this is the plague of a vast majority of relationships today.

We spent time talking to them about how they handled life from a very precise intellectual position in which rational thinking was the foundation. They had successful jobs, were physically in good shape, lived in a nice home, and had good solid friendships. They were in touch with their thinking and planning side of life, but void in the sensation and intuitive.

For a few weeks, we had them explore the sensation part of their relationship, using exercises similar to those found in “Hot Steamy Body=Romance?”. They began to feel improvement but still lacked the depth of romantic connection they had formerly experienced. Our challenge to them was to spend a month living with an “Out of the Box- Off the Wall” mentality. Be impromptu, impulsive, unexpected, and generally insane in the relationship.

A month later they returned and we could feel the difference between them. There was a positive energy and a connection that hadn’t previously existed. While a lot of the things they did during their time of “Off the Wall – Out of the Box” we really can’t print here, these are a few that are good examples:

• On a Thursday afternoon, the husband came into his wife’s office with several bouquets of flowers. It was unexpected and she greatly appreciated it. He then left and returned in about 15 minutes with more flowers. He left and returned again in 15 minutes with more flowers. This went on until 7 pm that night. Her staff joined in the celebration and began to cheer as he arrived every fifteen minutes.

• On a Saturday morning, the husband woke and found his wife gone. On her pillow was a note telling him to go to the kitchen counter. There he found another note telling him to go to the car in the parking garage. This went on for about 10 different locations which ended up in a hotel about 60 miles out of town. There she met him and they had a wonderful day together.

• Other adventures included leaving the car by the side of the road and impulsively running into the woods to see what was there.

• Taking a ride in a helicopter, when they had planned to simply go to dinner.

• Trying a Vietnamese restaurant they happened to see (neither had any idea what Vietnamese food was).

• Taking a day to travel in a westerly direction until they found something they liked or looked like fun.

In life we only have around 80 years we can plan on before it ends. Being with someone and enjoying them is a blessing that can make the life we have a true joy. Living “Out of the Box, Off the Wall” can make the romance really come alive. Ever tried it? Why not share your experience.

In my book "Forever Yours", a couple navigates their journey from from the early 60's into the present. The obstacles and joys of life both challenged and encouraged them to live "Out of the Box, Off the Wall." Find out more at Amazon. Click here. 

Monday, January 9, 2017

Hot Steamy Body=Romance?

Somehow romance and sex have become almost synonymous concepts in our modern society. It is interesting that romance itself developed a voice during the medieval times, largely because of strong religious beliefs. The idea of being romantically involved focused mainly on the drama of heartfelt feelings that were not going to succumb to the lust of the flesh. The romantic ideal was to love from a distance and not become sexually intimate. Today, most “romance” concepts declare there is a strong attraction somehow leading automatically to the bedroom. While this is not a bad concept in itself, it is definitely not romance as originally defined.

So what is modern romance? In a society in which male and female roles are not as clearly defined, what is the true significance of a romantic relationship? The ideal of romantic connection is one in which we can express our sensations. The “sensations" are stimulus coming from contact with our senses producing feelings, visions, perceptions, etc. Our over identification with “mind” makes western society disrespectful of this type of expression, and much of Judeo-Christian instruction does its best to keep earth and heaven from uniting. What would an exploration of a romantic relationship be like if we allowed sensation a free reign? What would a time together be like if we saturated our sense of touch, taste, smell, hearing, and seeing?

How about – sitting close together by the ocean listening to the roar of the waves and then softly kissing as we breathe in the freshness of the ocean wind. Don’t speak, just be in the moment and allow it all to saturate deeply.

Or – sit quietly together, and listen to all the sounds around us. Smell every fragrance that can be identified as we allow our mind to focus on one moment when we truly felt love for our partner. It may have been early in our relationship, or a special day, or even a sexual encounter. Allow this feeling of love to become very intense and then touch hands, sensing the energy exchanged between the two of you. As you feel this, turn, look at each other and continue to send a love feeling.

Another idea is to allow the senses to be thoroughly enmeshed in the moment. If it is a quiet dinner, a fun concert, a quiet walk, a time of passion or ride in the car, let the senses be utterly touched by the moment then share it with each other as only those who share love can do.

We will always have time to carry out the task of life, for now, let’s all go try out our sensations.

What are your thoughts? Email us click here or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, click on the “Follower and Friends” box. 

An interesting journey into Romance and Relationships is my fictional book "Off the Hook" in which a young successful woman finds the tools to overcome fear and truly find love. Click Here for more information.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Who are WE?

Working with couples for over twenty plus years, the one recurring pattern of disfunction seems to be the need to make the other person into what we want them to be. In my spiritual understanding, mankind is created with free will, something even the creator will not violate; yet in relationships this free will is often usurped. If the other person refuses to change as their partner demands, then they are viewed as stubborn and uncooperative. 

We don’t come into longterm relationships because of things we DON'T like in our partner, we enter this commitment because of the things we DO like.

 Why then, when we are in a relationship, do we spend so much time complaining about the things we don’t like and so little time encouraging the positive aspects of our partner. 

What is Love?

Love is the power within us that affirms and values human beings as he or she IS and not the way we want them to be. Human love affirms the person instead of the ideal we would desire him or her to be, or the projection flowing from our mind.

 Love is the inner place of the soul opening our blind eyes to the beauty, value, and quality of the other person.  Love causes us to value a person as a total, individual self; meaning we accept the negative side as well as the positive, the imperfections as well as the admirable qualities. When one loves the human being instead of the projection, one loves the shadow as much as one loves the light. One accepts the other person's totality. 

Human love causes a man to see the intrinsic value in a woman: therefore, love leads him to honor and serve her, rather than improperly use her for his ego's intentions. When love is guiding him, he is concerned with her needs and her well-being, not fixated on his own wants and whims.

 Human love causes a woman to see the intrinsic value in a man: he is not a projection of her unmet needs, but rather a soul whose journey she has the honor to encourage and nurture toward the joy of finding God's plan.

 In the relationship, the strength of the “I”, or the individual, is not diminished: rather it is encouraged by what the “WE” is able to accomplish as a mutual task. 

While a piece of each “I” is sacrificed to the “WE”, it still remains the “I” but now finds greater joy in the strength of the “WE” which may not be experienced by the “I”.

Every relationship needs to reflect on the question: "Who are We?" It is a conscious place that needs to be visited often.

Any thoughts? Leave a comment.

Forever Yours is a book I wrote about a couple who find a way to keep their love alive through all the trials and tribulations of life. You can see it at Amazon (click here).

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Unconditional Self Acceptance

 Often, when I am talking to people, I am fascinated with the level of disrespect many have toward themselves. I think a lot of the anger in our society is an attempt by some people to make people around them feel as miserable about life as they do.

For example, if I don't like who I am, then you become a threat. Not because you did anything, just the fact that you exist bothers me, because you may seem to be happy and I am not. Therefore, let me make you unhappy so I feel better.

After thousands of years of evolving as the human species, it often seems we haven’t come very far. 

One of the things I use in my practice is the aspect of U.S.A.. In this case, U.S.A. stands for Unconditional Self Acceptance. This means a person will accept who they are without judgement. For example: I am a wonderful person and I am also a person who is often not so wonderful. I love humor but I also have a dark side. I love to be at peace, but anger does show up. It is just who I am. No judgement, just observation.

Try it sometime when your inner voice tells you all the bad things about who you are or what you do. Just say, “Yep that’s true” and then remember the opposite is also part of you. It is just who we are. If we accept ourselves without condemnation, then we won’t have to dump all our junk on others. 

One of my early books, I AM ADAM deals with this internal struggle. It is a fictional story about the Garden of Eden and how the creation got off on the wrong foot. If you would like a copy, I'm offering it FREE at this website: 

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Our Shadow - part 4


In this series on THE SHADOW, we have explored MY SHADOW THINKING and SHADOW AND SHAME. In this section we want to explore the question; how do I think I am going to be hurt if this is exposed?

“This” is the thought or action we hold inside with the fear of being “found out”. It is a shadow thought existing because we refuse to expose it to the power of light. Remember, there is never enough shadow to extinguish light, but light will always remove shadow.

In the case of the fear of being hurt if some shadow thought or action is “found out” we are allowing shadow to operate in a vacuum of rational understanding. We keep the shadow thought inside where it takes on a life of its own, which will generally produce even darker shadows and ultimately produce a strong self-destructive reaction.

What if they found out about my using the internet to watch pornography. They would hate me and think I was a pervert. I am a pervert. I hate myself. I cant let them find out.  (SHADOW THOUGHT)

What if they found out about my using the internet to watch pornography. I guess they might be concerned, but am I concerned? I think I am concerned this habit is becoming stronger. I’m not a pervert, so why do perverted things? I think I will find someone to talk to about this because I don’t want to have this as an addiction.  (LIGHT THOUGHT)

Self-loathing is a shadow that can lead to self-destruction if we let it keep growing without light. Listen to the thoughts you entertain and see if they bring peace or fear.

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

A journey without a spiritual connection is a very empty activity. In my book "Forever Yours" a young couple meet in the 60's and explore life from a spiritual and non-spiritual perspective until they evolve into their latter years. Check Amazon (click here) to find out more about: