Email from reader: “This new year will mark one year since my husband cheated on me. We have stayed together, but I still don’t trust him. He says I never will, and maybe that is true. How do you rebuild trust?”
Two ingredients in rebuilding trust:
1. It takes time
2. It takes desire
How much time it takes depends on the depth of desire each person has toward truly rebuilding.
When trust is lost the first question to ask yourself is, “Do I really want to continue with this person who broke trust with me?” If the answer is no, then leave. If yes, then be aware of every thought that may lead you to a place of feeling hurt or wronged by your partner.
If a choice is made to stay, it has to be a decision to move forward and not focus on the past. If I continue to feel sorry for myself about what happened, then I have not made a choice to stay with this person, I have decided to become a victim.
(Click here for our blog on Choices and Victim)
The victim may think: “Poor me, he/she hurt me so, I just don’t know if I can forgive him/her.”
The person working on recovery with say:
“That was a difficult place in our relationship, but I chose to be with this person and believe they will not break trust again.”
These are two different approaches to the same problem.
The next obvious question is “But what if they do it again?” The answer is; how much do you respect yourself.
If you continue to choose to stay in an unsafe relationship, you will most likely find it difficult, but there is a good chance you are staying because the choice to leave is even more difficult. If you stay you are predictably so enmeshed in this dysfunctional relationship you may be lost in your journey and operating out of fear rather than self respect. Next time we will focus on some reasons a person stays in a painful unsafe relationship and potential for their recovery.
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My book about finding balance in relationships is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)
I guess I am still at the "Poor Me" place. Look forward to your next thoughts on how to get out of my stuck place. Thanks for your messages, they really help. PT
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