New Beginnings

Every new year there is an abundance of thought about new beginnings. We go over the events of the last year and set goals for the new life before us. Someone once kept a log of his new years resolutions:

    2009: I will not spend my money frivolously.
    2010: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
    2011: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
    2012: I will begin making a strong effort to    be out of debt by 2013.
    2013: I will be totally out of debt by 2014.
    2014: I will try to pay off the debt interest  by 2015.
    2015: I will try to be out of the country
 by 2016.



I guess we all like to think of new beginnings as a place of escaping from old problems. It is a fact that every new beginning means something has to end. Problem is, we often feel the past is so painful that the future is just too hard to visualize. 

Maybe we need to be like the caterpillar. When he believes he has reached the end of life, the butterfly has just found a new beginning. Let's resolve not to look back on what might have been and simply look forward to what will be. 

Have a Happy and joy filled New Year.

Who Am I? Part 3

Our subject has been the question of "WHO AM I" and we have approached it from several different understandings (Click to see Who Am I? Part 1 and Who Am I? Part 2). The core to defining ourself is the ability to redirect our belief system out of negative evaluation into a positive understanding. The reason for this is what we call sowing and reaping. 

Over the years I discovered there was a very simple principle governing all of life. In some faith-based understandings it is called sowing and reaping. Others may describe it as bread upon the waters, Karma, Law of Attraction or as physics states - "For every action there is an opposite and  equal reaction." The impact of this reality is simply what you put out is what you get back.

If we plant corn in a field we can't expect to get wheat back, yet how many people plant negativity into the world around them and then expect to get positive results back. I have known people over the years who hate their job and yet are so upset when they lose it. If you keep negatively reinforcing a job, then it will simply get worse and ultimately die. Relationships are the same. There is nothing more devastating to a relationship than negative words and emotions, which bring back a harvest of more negativity and ultimately the relationship will die. 

We have discussed the necessity of changing beliefs about ourself and our journey from negative to positive in order to create a more positive and fruitful existence. If we constantly put ourselves down and sow negative words into our existence, we will harvest this negativity and ultimately fail in life and die. 

If we define ourselves as positive people then it is necessary to be very conscious about the level of negative energy we can entertain. If we are being positive about the journey and those around us are constantly negative, then it may be necessary to separate from this toxic negativity and find a peaceful and positive environment. 

What are you sowing into your field of life. Is it what you want to harvest?

Would like to hear your thoughts and comments. Our website is www.nyccc.org. 

Who Am I? Part 2

In our blog Who Am I ? Part 1 (click here to view) we discussed the various aspect of belief about who we are. We often ask our clients to spend some time considering just who they are. 

We all live parts of our lives in an unconscious state, reacting to people and events around us yet not really understanding why we have these reactions. 

Spend a few minutes thinking about the following:

Who Am I? (That which I have created up to this point)

__Loving         __Giving         __Anxious       __Demanding  __Worried       __Happy

__Angry          __Lustful        __Fearful         __Sick             __Healthy       __Broke         

__Prosperous  __Kind            __doubting      __Religious     __Frightened   __Unloved     

__Intelligent    __Leader         __Dumb          __Lazy            __Adventurous

__Follower      __Peaceful       __Untrusting   __Creative       __Spiritual      __Lost

__Depressed   __Confident    __Private         __Gregarious  

__Other___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If we have a spiritual belief, no matter what label we place on it, there is always a component reminding us we are created as part of a divine plan.  As such, we also have the ability to create our lives to reflect who we are and what we want in our journey. The power of creating comes in four stages:

What do I Believe?

What am I Thinking?

What am I Saying?

What am I Doing?

If I believe life is good, this will control my thoughts which influences what I say or do. If I am in a relationship with someone who I BELIEVE to be bad, then my thoughts toward this person will be bad and influence what I say and do in a negative fashion. This type of unconscious belief system causes most of our positive and negative interactions in life. 

How do I change my life? Change what I believe about myself, others, life, etc. Spend a few minutes deciding who you want to be and then consciously go about making that belief a reality. 

Who Do I Want To Be? (That which I will create from this point forward)

__Loving         __Giving         __Anxious       __Demanding  __Worried       __Happy

__Angry          __Lustful        __Fearful         __Sick             __Healthy       __Broke         

__Prosperous  __Kind            __doubting      __Religious     __Frightened   __Unloved     

__Intelligent    __Leader         __Dumb          __Lazy                        __Adventurous

__Follower      __Peaceful       __Untrusting   __Creative       __Spiritual      __Lost

__Depressed   __Confident    __Private         __Gregarious  

__Other___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

  

We  create our lives everyday, as we have been doing since our hearts started to beat. If we create unconsciously, then we will have an unconscious life. However, if we create consciously, then we will have whatever life we believe. Try the above and we will pursue this further in Part 3.

Would like your thoughts and comments. You can also see more information at our website www.nyccc.org

Who am I? Part 1

One of the problems in any relationships is the potential loss of one persons identity to another persons demands. There will always be strong-willed people who are capable of being in charge and running things. These are leaders and we are blessed by their talent and ability. On the other hand there are those who do the work to complete the vision of the leader and we are also blessed by the fact that without the worker there would be no progress. When these two diverse approaches to life work in harmony, we see progress and accomplishment.

However, if a stronger personality takes control of another person and tries to transform them, this is not progress, it is slavery. In relationships, a lot of the struggle is this attempt to force another person to conform to a fixed guideline and expectation established by a stronger personality. The battle that comes from this unbalanced approach to life is disastrous to the individuals involved and a certain death to a healthy relationship.

In dealing with couples, one of the goals is for each partner to clearly define who they are in the relationship and what are the expectations they place on themselves and their partner. Interestingly enough, it is easier for couples to define the expectations they place on each other than it is to define who they are as individuals.

Ask yourself this simple question: Who am I?

This isn't a job description or a title, it is a definition of who you truly believe you are. If a person says "I believe I am weak", this now defines how they approach all of life and how they expect others to treat them. If the answer is "I believe I am loving" then they will both approach life and receive back from life with this same type of energy.

If I define myself as "peaceful" then why would I allow anger.
If I am giving, then what am I doing being selfish
If I believe I am broken, then I will bring more broken into my life.

When I know who I am and allow this belief to be a positive force in my life,  I will not allow others to steal my life from me and I will not need to steal life from others. Develop a belief that you are whole and happy with who you are. This is the beginning of a good relationship.  

We will continue this thought in our next blog - Who Am I? Part 2. Would like to know your thoughts and insights. 

Spell Check for Relationships

Spell Check for Relationships

One of the hardest things in a relationship is getting past some of the hurts we encounter. People in relationship will hurt each other. It is just logical that somehow we are going to say something that just leaves a mark. If we keep doing this to our relationship partner, it is probably a sign we have a lot of deep anger and need to work on it. However, in most relationships, the hurts are not constant, they are just part of our history together.

It is important to get past the hurt and move into the positive aspects of being together. Our ego loves to hang on to the times when our partners did or said something wrong. We have clients who hold on to past grudges and replay them with such clarity you would think it happened an hour ago rather than ten years ago.

Our past is subject to our control and we can change our approach to it if we desire. One technique is to view our past memories like a Spell Check in a computer. If I type Trumt in my computer, it underlines it in red, an indication of an error. If Trumt is a word I want to use forever, I simply go into the database of the Spell Check and tell it to add the new word to the memory.

Hurts from the past can be dealt with the same way. If my partner said something a year ago that hurt me, and I want to stop feeling bad about it, I can go into my emotional database and tell my ego that particular situation is no longer painful. If I come up with the thought again in the future, I will remind myself it is no longer a hurtful memory and move on. It takes about three times to truly make the ego go along with the change. Remember, you are in charge of your life, not your ego.

Thus we are never victims.

Any thoughts. Share them with us in the comments section or write us at nyccc1@aol.com. Join the blog by becoming a Follower in the box on the right and we will send you a note every time we have a new post. For more information on our counseling go to NYCCC.ORG

USA in Relationships and Romance

Talking to people, I’m often fascinated with the level of disrespect many have toward themselves. I think a lot of the anger in our society is an attempt by others to make people around them feel as miserable about life as they do.
For example, if I don't like who I am, then you become a threat. Not that you did anything, just the fact that you exist bothers me, because you may seem to be happy, and I am not. Therefore, let me make you unhappy so I feel better.

After thousands of years of evolving as the human species, it often seems we haven’t come very far.

One of the things I use in my practice is the aspect of U.S.A.. In this case, U.S.A. stands for Unconditional Self Acceptance. That means a person will accept who they are without judgement. I am a wonderful person and I am also a person who has not so wonderful aspects. I love humor but I also have a dark side. It is just who I am. No judgement, just observation.

Try it sometime when your inner voice tells you all the bad things about yourself. Just say, “Yep that’s true” and then remember that the opposite is also part of you. It is just who we are. If we accept ourselves without condemnation, then we won’t have to dump all our junk on others. 

Check out my website for all my books (click here) 

or see information on our counseling center (click here)

SEVEN WORDS FOR CONTENTMENT

In relationships we often become bogged down with the foiled expectations of past events and/or current problems. As we discussed in the blog I Hate Being Single, the problems of life are not the people, places or events that don't cooperate with our plans; it is what we believe about those people, places or events. 

The stronger I try to control things outside of myself, the more frustrated I will become. The more  I say, "It should not snow" or "I must not be unhappy"; the more I am setting myself up for pain. Why? Because, in reality, how much control do I have over the snow or over everything making me happy. In all honesty, both situations are equal concerning how much control we can exert; It is almost none.

When our clients are in situations that seem to be going against their desires or expectations, we encourage them to follow two sets of thoughts. One contains four words "THIS TOO SHALL PASS", and the other is three words, "WHAT IS, IS".

Think of what you individually were doing five years ago. It may have been a wonderful time or a very painful time, but in either case, it is now in the past. The same thing applies to today. Five years from now, all you are experiencing will be a part of history and you will be involved in new challenges and adventures. So whatever is going on, remember, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Today, however, there may be things happening, which are difficult and provide roadblocks to our dreams. If we demand what is going on shouldn't be happening, we have to again ask ourself, how much control do I have over these circumstances? Most likely, very little. Thus, look at the circumstances of today and admit, WHAT IS, IS. We may not like what is, but let's face reality, what is, is. Now let's work on solution rather than demanding the problem should not exist.

WHAT IS, IS.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  Seven word for contentment. Let us know what your thoughts are by entering them in the comment section below or email us click here . Enter in as a follower of the blog and we will automatically send you a copy of each new post.

Finger in the Face

Good communication in relationships is vital, yet it is one of the first areas to fall into disrepair. In our experience, the greatest hinderance to good communication is becoming defensive and trying to win the argument or debate. Communication, in its basic form, is the ability to express concepts and opinions  so others understand and possibly benefit from this understanding. However, when we share opinions as ultimate facts, then we are saying our opinion is the only opinion that counts and everyone must agree.


We often tell clients not to express opinions with a finger in the other persons face. For example, when one person starts to demand that the other person change, then the receiving individual will go into a defensive position.
Person 1: “You shouldn’t watch that TV show. It is bad for you.”
Person 2: “This is a good show. I’ll do what I want to do.”

The defensive position will always come when a challenge is given, it is just human nature. A better approach may be the following:

Person 1: “I don’t like that TV show, I feel it isn’t good for me. What do you think?”

Person 2: “I guess it’s ok, why don’t you like it?”

Person 1: “I just don’t like that kind of violence in my life. It’s up to you, but not what I like.”

Person 2: “There its a lot of violence I guess. Let’s find something else.”

In this case, there is no defense, just sharing of opinions and some level of change. Even if the other person doesn’t agree with us, they will still listen and make their own choices. We never have control over another person, so why make them defend their position?

Next time you want to share a thought or opinion, think about how it is said. If you state it as a fact and expect others to agree, then your opinion may not be received. If you share it as an opinion and don’t force other to agree, then you may have better relationships. The old adage is if you point one finger out, there are three more pointing back at you. 

For more information go to our website at www.NYCCC.org

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