Who are WE?

Working with couples for over twenty plus years, the one recurring pattern of disfunction seems to be the need to make the other person into what we want them to be. In my spiritual understanding, mankind is created with free will, something even the creator will not violate; yet in relationships this free will is often usurped. If the other person refuses to change as their partner demands, then they are viewed as stubborn and uncooperative. 

We don’t come into longterm relationships because of things we DON'T like in our partner, we enter this commitment because of the things we DO like.

 Why then, when we are in a relationship, do we spend so much time complaining about the things we don’t like and so little time encouraging the positive aspects of our partner. 

What is Love?

Love is the power within us that affirms and values human beings as he or she IS and not the way we want them to be. Human love affirms the person instead of the ideal we would desire him or her to be, or the projection flowing from our mind.

 Love is the inner place of the soul opening our blind eyes to the beauty, value, and quality of the other person.  Love causes us to value a person as a total, individual self; meaning we accept the negative side as well as the positive, the imperfections as well as the admirable qualities. When one loves the human being instead of the projection, one loves the shadow as much as one loves the light. One accepts the other person's totality. 

Human love causes a man to see the intrinsic value in a woman: therefore, love leads him to honor and serve her, rather than improperly use her for his ego's intentions. When love is guiding him, he is concerned with her needs and her well-being, not fixated on his own wants and whims.

 Human love causes a woman to see the intrinsic value in a man: he is not a projection of her unmet needs, but rather a soul whose journey she has the honor to encourage and nurture toward the joy of finding God's plan.

 In the relationship, the strength of the “I”, or the individual, is not diminished: rather it is encouraged by what the “WE” is able to accomplish as a mutual task. 

While a piece of each “I” is sacrificed to the “WE”, it still remains the “I” but now finds greater joy in the strength of the “WE” which may not be experienced by the “I”.

Every relationship needs to reflect on the question: "Who are We?" It is a conscious place that needs to be visited often.

Any thoughts? Leave a comment.

Forever Yours is a book I wrote about a couple who find a way to keep their love alive through all the trials and tribulations of life. You can see it at Amazon (click here).

Our Shadow - part 4

SHADOW AND HURT 

In this series on THE SHADOW, we have explored MY SHADOW THINKING and SHADOW AND SHAME. In this section we want to explore the question; how do I think I am going to be hurt if this is exposed?

“This” is the thought or action we hold inside with the fear of being “found out”. It is a shadow thought existing because we refuse to expose it to the power of light. Remember, there is never enough shadow to extinguish light, but light will always remove shadow.

In the case of the fear of being hurt if some shadow thought or action is “found out” we are allowing shadow to operate in a vacuum of rational understanding. We keep the shadow thought inside where it takes on a life of its own, which will generally produce even darker shadows and ultimately produce a strong self-destructive reaction.

What if they found out about my using the internet to watch pornography. They would hate me and think I was a pervert. I am a pervert. I hate myself. I cant let them find out.  (SHADOW THOUGHT)

What if they found out about my using the internet to watch pornography. I guess they might be concerned, but am I concerned? I think I am concerned this habit is becoming stronger. I’m not a pervert, so why do perverted things? I think I will find someone to talk to about this because I don’t want to have this as an addiction.  (LIGHT THOUGHT)

Self-loathing is a shadow that can lead to self-destruction if we let it keep growing without light. Listen to the thoughts you entertain and see if they bring peace or fear.

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

A journey without a spiritual connection is a very empty activity. In my book "Forever Yours" a young couple meet in the 60's and explore life from a spiritual and non-spiritual perspective until they evolve into their latter years. Check Amazon (click here) to find out more about: 

SHADOW AND SHAME - PART 3

SHADOW AND SHAME - Part 3

In the previous articles on THE SHADOW and MY SHADOW THINKING we explored the inner recesses of our thinking and brought attention to the power of light over shadow. Our basic premise is in this truth: there has never been enough shadow and darkness to extinguish light, but a small amount of light can reduce a shadow immediately. Light a candle in a dark room and watch shadow recede from the power of light.

One of the strongest deceptions of shadow is the feeling of shame. Shadow will come up with some dark concept, convince us it is a good thing, and then provide a stage of shame for us to stand on when the shadow is exposed. Shame is simply a terrible emotion as it is a statement of personal identity with some action or thought. I may have done something or thought something I wish I hadn’t, but the thought or action doesn’t define me, it is simply an unfortunate thought or action.

I became angry. I am ashamed of being an angry person (a shadow thought).

I became angry, which is disappointing, but I am not an angry person. (A light thought).

I did drugs again. I am an idiot. I am such a looser. (Shadow Thought)

I did drugs again. That was an idiotic thing to do, but I’m not an idiot. I will get some help so I can make better decisions. (Light Thought)

I am not what I do. I am created as light and I choose to do shadow things, but I am still light. Acknowledge the shadow, but remember the light is always stronger. Don't confuse our actions with our essence.

TO CONTINUE THE SHADOW STUDY CLICK HERE

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

A journey without a spiritual connection is a very empty activity. In my book "Forever Yours" a young couple meet in the 60's and explore life from a spiritual and non-spiritual perspective until they evolve into their latter years. Check Amazon (click here) to find out more about: 

THE SHADOW - PART 2

MY SHADOW THINKING 

In the last lesson entitled THE SHADOW (click here) we explored the reality concerning our dark side known as the shadow and our other side know as light. The foundation of recovery thinking is in the truth that shadow can never shut out light, but light always overpowers shadow.

The first question we want to explore in our shadow/light understanding is:

WHY AM I HIDING THIS BAD THOUGHT, IMPULSE OR ACTION?

We all have thoughts that we keep from others attentions because exposing the thought might lead to negative reactions. We smile at someone but the thought is “I cant stand you, I hate you.” Or we may have an action or impulse, which is destructive, yet we do it anyhow and wonder why. “A little drugs won’t hurt. I can flirt a little; it wont hurt anything. I can get away with cheating on this test. Who will know.”

These are shadow thoughts that love to remain in the darkness of our thinking. What do we do to offset them? Generally nothing, which is why we get into problems so unexpectedly. To change the shadow, we need to expose it to light. But I can’t expose the shadow to light unless I admit it is there.

Shadow = I can’t stand you, I hate you.”

Light = Well that is a rather strong statement. Do I really hate this person or do I just not like what they are doing. If I hate them, then am I really any better than they are or am I just lowering myself to their level. I don’t really hate them, but I do hate what they did so either I confront what they did, or I let it go. If they repeat the action, then I will separate myself from them as they are not something I want in my journey. I can hate them if I want, but I really would rather be at peace within myself and not feel this hatred.

We generally hide the shadow side from light because we think the shadow side is right and we deserve to be there or we know the shadow side is wrong and are ashamed to admit it exists. Shadow is neither right or wrong, it is just shadow. Embrace it for what it is and then turn on a light and see how long it lasts. We will explore shadow and shame next time.

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

CONTINUE WITH SHADOW STUDY CLICK HERE FOR PART 3
A journey without a spiritual connection is a very empty activity. In my book "Forever Yours" a young couple meet in the 60's and explore life from a spiritual and non-spiritual perspective until they evolve into their latter years. Check Amazon (click here) to find out more about: 

THE SHADOW - PART 1

I don’t know why I got so angry. I just can’t help it.

I don’t know why I used the drugs. I just can’t stop.

I don’t know why I cheated. I am such a terrible person.

Over the years we found it interesting to listen to people as they struggled to explain why they said or acted out certain thoughts and behaviors seemingly destructive to their life. These actions range from addictive behaviors to relationship problems, such as affairs or heated arguments. The term for these actions we call the shadow side of life, loosely based on the thoughts of Carl Jung, a brilliant psychologist around the turn of the century.

The shadow side is the darkness that seems to creep into our lives when we least expect it, and somehow disrupt an otherwise beautiful moment. However, it is a predictable part of life if we approach shadow with a conscious understanding and not allow it to lurk in hidden places.

Wherever you may be at the moment, look around and observe there are shadows. Where there is light, there has to be a shadow. This is the wonderful message in this discovery: there has never been enough shadow to put out a light, but if you turn on enough lights, shadows disappear. Walk into a completely dark room and light a match. The darkness can’t put out the match, but the light will overpower the darkness every time.

This is true of the shadow side of our human nature. No matter how dark my shadow is, if I turn on a light, the shadow becomes smaller. However, if I choose to simply be in darkness and turn off light, then I will be in shadow.

So what is the light? The complex question has a reasonably simple answer. Light is the positive in the midst of the negative. Light is the hope in the midst of the hopeless. Light is the abundance in the midst of lack. Light is always stronger than shadow, all we need to do is acknowledge the presence of light and not fall into the shadow.

How do I do this? The first part is to acknowledge the shadow for what it is and not deny it. The second part is to acknowledge the light is stronger than the shadow. Over the next few weeks we will explore this concept toward recovery as we go step by step through the following thoughts:

Questions to ask when confronting the shadow:

1.Why am I hiding this bad thought, impulse, or action?

2. What am I ashamed of?

3. How do I think I am going to be hurt if this is exposed?

4. Am I being affected by memories of past punishment?

5. When I hear an inner voice judging me harshly, who from my past is actually speaking to me?

6. How would my self-image suffer if I revealed this?

7. Have I been working within a belief system that sees human beings as innately sinful?

8. Why do I choose to live with guilt instead of without it?

CLICK HERE for continuing of Shadow part 2

Have questions, or thought?  Send us an email at NYCCC1@aol.com or go to our website at www.NYCCC.ORG.

A journey without a spiritual connection is a very empty activity. In my book "Forever Yours" a young couple meet in the 60's and explore life from a spiritual and non-spiritual perspective until they evolve into their latter years. Check Amazon (click here) to find out more about:

Boundaries part 2

This is the second part of a discussion on setting boundaries click here for part I

When we desire to set healthy boundaries we often find, fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls. We may fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter, son or friend. They do this even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.” They might wonder if they even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.

Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.

Self-respect is a decision that this life we are living is simply a journey from one unknown location to another unknown. No matter what our religious belief, we have never established tangible proof of what preceded our life nor what happens when life ends. We have beliefs, but no proof.

Therefore all we have is the knowledge that I am here, it is my life, my show, my road to navigate. If I take a trip in my car and stop to ask directions, the first question I will face is “Where are you going?” The journey of life is similar to this trip; we can ask many people for direction but unless we have some idea where we are going, we will end up in places we never anticipated.

To set good boundaries, determine some idea of where you want to go in your journey. Do I want to go toward peace or toward anxiety? Is my goal to end up with joy or with misery? Once you have a good sense of where you want to go, then establish boundaries that allow you to arrive at your destination. Fear, guilt and self-doubt will only plague us when we aren’t sure of where we want to go in our journey. 

The bible states “without a vision my people parish.” What is your vision and what boundaries help keep you moving toward that vision.


My book "Forever Yours" is a story about a journey where boundaries are discovered and established over a 50 year marriage. It is a story of the baby boomer generation but as one reviewer states "It is simply a beautiful journey through the complicated pathway of what we call life." Click here for more information on "Forever Yours." 

Setting Boundaries

Think about this statement for a few minutes:

I base my concept of who I am on what others say or think.

I operate from fear, coupled with low self-esteem. I spend most of my time reacting to other people, trying to control them, allowing them to control me, and feeling confused by it all.

Obviously, not everyone can relate to this statement, but unfortunately a large segment of our population will recognize part of their life as reflected in the outline. Many of the clients we see struggle with self-identity issues. A question we often ask in order to help people truly understand their need for “outside  approval” is the following:

If we lined up ten people in a room and nine of the people said very positive things about you as a person, yet one stated they didn’t care for you, would you focus more on the nine positive or more on the one negative review?

By nature we are all seeking approval from others but if this need for approval is too strong, then we give away the ability to truly be comfortable with our self. Self acceptance has to come from within and not from others. How do we build self acceptance? The first place of understanding is the creation of healthy boundaries. 

Our boundaries are our limits; how far we go with others, how far we allow them to go with us. We can define boundaries only for ourselves. Our boundaries define what we allow to come into our lives. If boundaries are not established and enforced - then we will give our journey, and our peace to others.  

To establish boundaries in relationships one pattern has been used with good success:

If you - WRITE a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)

I will - WRITE a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.

If you continue this behavior - WRITE a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.

For example:
IF YOU lie to me I WILL be very disappointed and your actions will impact my trust, but I will try to recover. However, IF YOU CONTINUE THIS BEHAVIOR, I will terminate our relationship.

Think about some relationship problems you may have in your journey and then try to apply this three phase boundary builder. Obviously, the key to a boundary is greater than our ability set it up; we must always be prepared to enforce the penalty for violation. This is difficult when we don’t have respect for ourself and need the approval of others.

We will discuss this in more detail over the next few weeks. Let us know your thoughts and questions by leaving a comment here or email us at NYCCC1@aol.com. Click here for Part 2 of Boundaries

How have you honored the value of your partner? My book "Forever Yours" explores this long term relationship as a couple move through life from college to the golden years. It is a story of the baby boomer generation but as one reviewer states "It is simply a beautiful journey through the complicated pathway of what we call life." Click here for more information on "Forever Yours."