Listen to me, please

One of the problem areas we keep seeing in relationships is the inability of partners to truly listen to each other. In the beginning phase of relationships, there is generally a more attentive nature in communication, however, as time moves on and ego's get bruised, the ability to truly listen to our partner is replaced by a desire to defend our position. 

When I defend my position, I assume you will now agree with my position and I will be happy. However, as I defend my position you now have to defend your position and won't be happy until I agree. At this point we are no longer communicating, we are at war.

I was dealing with a couple the other day in which I pointed out this defensive listening problem to the husband. He listened to me and then, you guessed it, he defended himself. I pointed this out to him again, and once again he defended his defense. He wasn't there to learn anything new, he was there to show me he was correct. Needless to say, we didn't get far.


The problem with defensive listening is the listener stops really processing the conversation before the speaker is through talking. Rather than hearing what is being said, the listener is now thinking up a good defensive statement to "win" the argument. If both parties are using defensive listening, a heated argument is almost guaranteed.


Why do we listen defensively? Generally because of insecurity, either in the relationship or in life in general. If we weren't listened to in childhood, then we trained ourself to be defensive so we could win some type of support. Doesn't work, but it is a thought we have. If, in the relationship, I don't feel secure, then I will defend my position before you make me too vulnerable. 


How do we listen correctly? Try repeating what you heard your partner saying. Not only will you be sure you heard correctly; your partner will realize you are honestly communicating and possibly lower their own defensiveness. A simple statement of "What I hear you saying is_________", will provide a much safer and open environment for positive communication. 

Another conscious action is remembering not to put your "finger in their face." By this we mean don't start a conversation by telling someone they are wrong; rather start by saying you have a different perspective and would like to share. Others will receive new perspectives easier than judgement.

When we look in a mirror we realize we have two ears and one mouth. Seems like a divine plane to help us listen more than talk, especially if we are going to defend rather than understand.

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My book about finding balance in relationships is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)

Equality in Relationships

Just what is equality in relationship and how does it work?  Obviously, equality is a belief I am not better nor worse than my significant other.  It is a place of harmony. In modern relationships, there is much lip service given to “equality”, but generally there is not a heartfelt desire to see our partner as an equal.

Equality is the power within relationships that affirms and values human beings as he or she IS and not the way we want them to be.

In a human relationship, love causes a man to see the intrinsic value in a woman: therefore, love leads him to honor and serve her, rather than improperly use her for his ego's intentions. When love is guiding him, he is concerned with her needs and her well-being; not fixated on his own wants and whims.

Human love causes a woman to see the intrinsic value in a man: he is not a projection of her unmet needs, but rather a soul whose journey she has the honor to encourage and nurture toward the joy of finding his journey’s fulfillment.

Generally, equality is easily extended as long as the other person does what I want, but if they don’t fit into my pattern of understanding they are no longer my equal, they are my enemy.  I will love you forever, as long as you don’t leave the cap off the tooth paste, don’t track in muddy shoes, don’t lie to me, don’t provide less than I am entitled in life. If you don’t live up to my demands and expectations, then you are a terrible person who I must either attack or retreat from for my own protection.


I often hear couples say, “My partner just seemed to change after we got married. I don’t know what happened.” The simple answer is they both lost their ability to see each other as equals.  As equals, we are mutually loving and mutually screwy, and that is just who we are!

So how do we maintain equality in relationships? 

Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA). If we really can accept ourselves unconditionally, love ourselves even with our crazy ways of living, and be at peace with our own illogical thinking and behavior, then we can obviously feel the same way about others. However, if we don’t like ourselves, then how much of a chance does our partner stand?

USA – Unconditional Self Acceptance. How unique would this type of relationships be? 

To follow this blog add your email in upper right corner of this page.

My book about finding equality in relationships is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)

Terrible, Horrible, Awful

Terrible, Horrible, Awful

It is interesting to watch the news and see just how bad the world is portrayed. The real truth is, at any given moment, the world is not as bad as the news suggests. 

For example, we are currently going through a winter that is less than fun for those who enjoy warm weather. It is what it is, and we can't change it, but to listen to the local news cast, it truly sounds like the end of the world. This is how they sell news!

However, in relationships it is not a good idea to take the facts and expand them beyond their real limits. 

Often, we talk to couples and hear one partner complain how the other partner never pays attention to them (or never takes out the garbage, or never does the dishes, etc.). Logically, if we look at the amount of time a couple spends together, it is virtually impossible for one person to NEVER pay attention to the other. This type of global assessment is very defeating to a partner who tries to pay attention, but sometimes fails. If there is never credit given for the positive attempts, then why bother to even try.

It seems when things don't go our way, we often make a quantum leap from a place of disappointment to a reaction of terrible, horrible, awful! 

If a person is expected to arrive for a date at 7:00pm but doesn't show up until 7:30, does this qualify as terrible, horrible, awful? Even if they do it repeatedly, it still doesn't qualify because they are now doing the predictable and we choose to stay with them. It is our choice, so why go to a place of such deep emotional pain?

One way to lower our emotional response to disappointment is to come up with a scale of "awfulization" with "0" being things are wonderful and "10" things are terrible and horrible. Now, what would qualify as terrible and horrible? We suggest something really painful, such as the death of a close friend or loved one. If our best friend is hit by a car and dies, it would be a "10" in the terrible, horrible awful scale. 

10

0

Now, where does being a half hour late fit on the scale? If you think it is a "10", then you really need individual therapy. Obviously, on this scale, it would only rate maybe a 2 or 3. 

Where does ______________ fit in on this scale? The blank is the area in your relationship that causes you great emotional pain. If it isn't at the 10 level, but you keep reacting like it is, then you are causing yourself and the relationship problems.

What are your thoughts? Email us at nyccc1.com or comment below. If you want to be a follower of the blog, add your email in the upper right corner of this blog. Our web page is www.nyccc.org. We also provide internet counseling by Skype or phone. Email us if we can help.

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Bothered Baby Boomers

Along with my aging process, I am being blessed with the ability to work with older clients who are my fellow baby boomers, which is generally bench marked as those born between 1945 and 1964. This includes about 76 million people who began the journey of life following World War II. Now we are a generation who are facing the last stage of the journey, but trying to believe the best is yet to come. This month I turn 72 so I am definitely part of the boomer gang and proud of it.

The areas that seem to bother the baby boomers the most are the rapid changes in the interpersonal relationships, which seems to have taken place over the last years. I'm sure my parents felt the television was a massive departure from the value system they were raised in, so our often voiced concern about the internet is probably part of this evolutionary process. My grandfather dated my grandmother in a horse and buggy, so they had adaptation problems also.

Here are a few suggestions I share with my clients who are bothered baby boomers:

1. Stay connected but not coerced. In developmental psychology the time from 58 to 62 is a time of evolving into a person who isn't trying to prove anything to anyone, but is simply content with life and is set to enjoy it. There is a tendency to become isolated at this point, which is a definite wrong turn in the road. Staying connected to friends, family and social interaction is essential in the process of evolving. However, it is necessary to be connected to those who will provide a positive approach to daily living, not a negative complaining energy. Do not be coerced into negative interactions designed to bring clouds of darkness and fear.

2. Be creative.  The brain is constantly in the process of recreating every part of the body. There isn't one part of a living human body which hasn't died and been reborn. This is what the life of body cells is all about. If our body is constantly recreating itself, then we need to do the same with our lives. Find something new to challenge the mind and the body out of complacency and into creativity. Write a book, paint a picture, learn a new instrument, take up a new sport or just get outside and see what nature is doing. Be creative.

3. Develop a spiritual connection. Many of my fellow boomers have been busy trying to survive life and have not taken time to seek a spiritual understanding. Religion is interesting and often provides a great positive outlet, but a spiritual journey needs to be different from religious doctrine. Ask yourself, "What do I believe?" then follow up with the question "Why?" It is a big universe filled with magnificent beauty and it is working in harmony. As humans we don't work well in this harmony,, but we can if we take time to be part of it. Every person living today is going to die. Let's not fear that fact, let's explore the spiritual journey to see if we can find a larger understanding.

These are just a couple of thoughts I share with my clients and friends about the process of becoming an Unbothered Baby Boomer. Would love to hear your thoughts so feel free to comment below.

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My book about the Baby Boomer generation is called FOREVER YOURS. It is the fictional story of a man and women who fall in love in the 60's, raise a family and learn how to overcome the challenges of life in order to truly find their own relationship together. You can find out more at Amazon (click here). Or go to my website for more information. (Click here)